When I was younger, before I really began to focus on my spiritual footwork, I believed that the No Contact rule was cruel.
How could I just stop talking to someone I once loved?
How could I act as if they never mattered in my life?
Would I really just walk by them; barely acknowledge their presence, as if they were merely an acquaintance?
It seemed that to follow the No Contact rule was a way to punish the person I had once loved, a way of skipping the moral high ground when ending a relationship.
But… as I grew older, I realized that the No Contact rule was not about the other person… the No Contact rule was for me.
I was able to see that by holding firmly to my rule, I was allowing myself the necessary time to heal by breaking away from the person I loved.
This was a way of creating space, so that I was able to:
Fall out of love…
Open myself up to the possibility of someone new…
But if I held on to my past… I couldn’t move forward.
The No Contact rule helps me to have control over the only thing I can control: myself and my actions.
The only way for me to let go of someone who no longer chooses to share their life with me, is by creating a significant amount of no contact time, while I work through my pain and my past to move forward towards my new life.
“Dear God, help me to have the strength to keep my distance. Help me to be loving and kind to myself and allow myself the time I need to heal without an interruption in my spiritual process.”
I felt as if I were saying my own prayer, so thank you for that.
For me it has been a year since the separation and I had the exact same thoughts and questions. It came to a point when I could see myself being just sad about being in contact with him, so I had to make a point for my love to be bigger for me, and stop all contact. My no contact only started 2 weeks ago, but I can see the difference.
I some days wonder if this will be forever, but for now I am feeling energized, ready to spend time with my family and friends.
Life is too short not to live ourselves more!
No contact doesn’t necessarily mean No love, but caring for yourself does mean you come first!
Yes… for me it just gives me time to calm my emotions…. when I would go back-and-forth with contact it would cause me to feel anxious…. have expectations…. D.
Thank you for this post.
Have the “no contact” rule going and it will certainly continue for quite awhile. It’s definitely for the time to heal, and not about being rude or hurtful. The challenge will be when I may run into my ex, or we may be invited to something with mutual friends. I think I’ll have to make one decision at a time when those situations come up.
Two years later that “understood” no contact rule is still intact. But … In the past few weeks , my ex has been “appearing ” in my area , for no good reason.
He lives an hour from me. He’s even lied to friends of mine that he didn’t actually get this far north to stop in and have coffee… While unfortunately I spotted him and his girlfriend walk through the shopping center at that moment – and I was able to move out of the way undetected.
He may be coming to what is familiar , but when it happened again last week my friend bumped into him right here … He said he had an appt ..
I have protective friends and family – they are convinced he’s trying to run into me – while not “contacting ” me. They are afraid I’ll have an open heart . Listen .. Think .. Drum up old times …
Surprisingly I don’t have chatter about it , but I think it will be much longer before I should ever have contact. If it was needed .
I can’t push back the clock . Too much pain. And he has really done a number on his life.
When we first split up my mind created a utopian world where I was left behind.
Beware of what your imagination can do 🙂
Yes break ups can be odd… sometimes they do it to look for the familiar…. catch a “glimpse” of the old life…. other times they do it to run into you because you have been unavailable and they want to “know what’s going on” and other times… or they are feeling territorial…. also, when things get bad in their new relationship they like to bring their new SO into your space and make you think they are fine and everything is okay… all manipulations that you no longer want to be a part of… just keep keeping on…. you are doing GREAT! 🙂 D.
I think it’s all of that – your insight into into all of this is right on. 🙂
I’m keeping on keeping on 🙂
I’m just about a mile ahead of you on the path! 🙂 My ex did all the same stuff to me. Funny how universal it is. D.