After my divorce, I did not magically move on… magically become sound and happy again. I was emotionally drained, physically worn, and spiritually lost. I had nothing to give and yet… I had to find a way to do just that: give to my children, give to my students, and find a way to once again be present in life. One day, I showed up to speak to a trusted mentor. She took one look at me and said, “Until you fill your own well, you will be unable to give yourself to others.” And she was right. How was I supposed to help someone else meet their basic needs if I was too tired and worn to meet my own? I went home and I made a list of everything that drained me emotionally, physically, and spiritually and step-by-small-step, I began to change my life. Filling my own well, meant that I took better care of myself: making time for sleep and exercise, housekeeping and bill paying, prayer and communion with trusted friends, and in this way…. my emotional, physical, and spiritual well began to fill once again and I was able, overtime, to become balanced and serene and capable of providing experience, strength and hope to those I love. – “Dear God, help me to take care of myself when I am feeling drained by the struggles of life. Help me to make choices that will result in my best emotional, physical, and spiritual health.”
During my marriage I found that it was never truly safe for me to express anger.
Each time I would try to share my feelings, my husband would become defensive, angry, and soon… I would be apologizing for upsetting him.
We went on this way for years with nothing really being accomplished… nothing changing… it was frustrating for me to feel that I wasn’t being heard.
Each time he would deflect my anger I found myself becoming furious until finally, at the boiling point, I would bubble over and spew every hurtful word I could think of to show my frustration.
And what would happen then?
Things would become even worse because once I had expressed my anger inappropriately, I was full of shame and despair regarding my verbally abusive behavior.
Today I know that if I express my anger rationally, and someone chooses to fight from their shadow self, that it is not “on me.”
It is best not to take it personally but step away from the situation and give them time to think it through.
If they choose not to address my issue… then I can make choices to protect myself and change the boundaries of the relationship if necessary.
“Dear God, help me to express my anger appropriately. If I have concerns and frustrations let me share them with a calm mind and with pure intentions to make things right.”