During my marriage I found that it was never truly safe for me to express anger.
Each time I would try to share my feelings, my husband would become defensive, angry, and soon… I would be apologizing for upsetting him.
We went on this way for years with nothing really being accomplished… nothing changing… it was frustrating for me to feel that I wasn’t being heard.
Each time he would deflect my anger I found myself becoming furious until finally, at the boiling point, I would bubble over and spew every hurtful word I could think of to show my frustration.
And what would happen then?
Things would become even worse because once I had expressed my anger inappropriately, I was full of shame and despair regarding my verbally abusive behavior.
Today I know that if I express my anger rationally, and someone chooses to fight from their shadow self, that it is not “on me.”
It is best not to take it personally but step away from the situation and give them time to think it through.
If they choose not to address my issue… then I can make choices to protect myself and change the boundaries of the relationship if necessary.
“Dear God, help me to express my anger appropriately. If I have concerns and frustrations let me share them with a calm mind and with pure intentions to make things right.”
Love this. So true. Suppression of my anger led to numbness and I became a zombie. Now I know how important it is to be able to express feelings. I feel much safer alone, because I was never allowed to say how I felt growing up or married. It’s a wonderful new life!
Hi Judy! Hope you are doing well…. I was just thinking about you. Our marriages always sound SO similar… it is a wonderful new life! 🙂 D.
Love this reminder…
In our marriage, “we always got along”! But in later years there was a lot of suppressed anger, and fear of hurting the other one’s feelings. I never wanted to “rock the boat” and was always trying to fix things. That didn’t help either of us.
Toward the end of the marriage before we moved I really did have anger outbursts I didn’t expect of myself. By then it was hurt, frustration, and looking at someone to respond, and they were no longer there!
I’m not a basically “angry” person by nature so it never felt comfortable or the way to do things but I see it as the result of a total breakdown in communication and caring for each other.
anger is an emotion that I am going to experience, today I allow myself the space to sit with it, pray for Gods guidance, and it is my responsibility to respond in a mature manner with respect for myself and that other person, the days of exploding are over… have a God blessed day.
“myself space to sit with it” … 🙂 D.