Archives

April 25th: Instinct

desert1

My instinct in life has often served me well: except when it comes to romantic relationships.

Having been raised in dysfunction, and then married into a relationship full of chaos and addiction, my instinct failed me when it came to the best choice of partners.

I always looked for what was familiar to me: what I had grown up with in my family of origin.

And even if my romantic partner’s words and actions swayed towards the negative, I accepted them because it felt like what I had known in my childhood home and I believed that was how people showed their love.

It took many years of spiritual footwork to let go of my skewed belief that to be loved meant that I accepted what came with it: to be humiliated, ignored, belittled, verbally abused, and surrounded by boundaries that were okay to be broken.

Today, I am with someone who is loving and kind. Who does not choose to control me by making me feel “small.” However, it is still a day-to-day struggle for me to accept this kindness, to believe that I am worthy of this attention, and to let go of my own need for drama and chaos, so that I don’t repeat the patterns of my past.

_
“Dear God, thank you for bringing people into my life who are loving and kind. Thank you for reminding me that I am worthy of love.”

March 10th: Regrets

March 10th-Regrets

There are things in my life that I have regretted doing.

There are things in my life I have regretted saying.

Sometimes these regrets lay heavy in my heart for long periods of time and yes… sometimes I wish I could take them back.

But I have learned from these regrets.

I cherish these mistakes as much as I cherish the right decisions I feel I have made.

Why?

Because my regrets remind me of how I want to live my life today.

I cannot take back a harsh word… and unkind action… but I can be reminded through the burden of my regrets… and choose to be a better person in my words and actions today.

“Dear God, help me to choose wisely my words and actions. Help me to live life as a kind, compassionate human being.”

March 2nd: Conversations

March 2nd-Conversations

Since my divorce, I have found myself choosing to “talk less” and listen more.

This has proven to be of benefit to me in all of my relationships.

In the past, I would talk things into the ground.

Everything had to be discussed, dissected, so much so… that I was spending most of my time talking about my relationship instead of actually living my relationship.

Today I have learned that sometimes, it is best to just let things be… to allow moments to breathe… to be silent instead of speak.

“Dear God, help me to be calm and quiet. Help me to see the peace in being silent and serene.”

June 18th: Acceptance

June 18th-Acceptance

I have been struggling lately with accepting things as is.

Worked up and frustrated, I kept fighting to get things “back on track” not realizing that I was following my own agenda and not my Higher Power’s guidance.

Signs were all around me yet… I kept running up against the same emotional wall and then stepping back to get a running start and bash up against it again.

Yesterday, my friend and I were talking about our divorces and I was reminded how once I accepted the change in my life, my relationship, everything began to fall into place on it’s own and my heart began to heal.

Acceptance allows me to “get out of my own way” and let go of fighting a hopeless inner battle where I an unable to relinquish my illusion of control.

Acceptance does not mean that I have to like the way things are today but it does mean that I understand that life must be lived on life’s terms and that I am wasting much needed energy, that should be put towards solid spiritual footwork, by fretting over things I cannot change.

_

“Dear God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”