April 25th: Instinct

desert1

My instinct in life has often served me well: except when it comes to romantic relationships.

Having been raised in dysfunction, and then married into a relationship full of chaos and addiction, my instinct failed me when it came to the best choice of partners.

I always looked for what was familiar to me: what I had grown up with in my family of origin.

And even if my romantic partner’s words and actions swayed towards the negative, I accepted them because it felt like what I had known in my childhood home and I believed that was how people showed their love.

It took many years of spiritual footwork to let go of my skewed belief that to be loved meant that I accepted what came with it: to be humiliated, ignored, belittled, verbally abused, and surrounded by boundaries that were okay to be broken.

Today, I am with someone who is loving and kind. Who does not choose to control me by making me feel “small.” However, it is still a day-to-day struggle for me to accept this kindness, to believe that I am worthy of this attention, and to let go of my own need for drama and chaos, so that I don’t repeat the patterns of my past.

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“Dear God, thank you for bringing people into my life who are loving and kind. Thank you for reminding me that I am worthy of love.”

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10 thoughts on “April 25th: Instinct

  1. worthy…that is such a challenging word…I often wonder if there are truly people out there who DO feel worthy and act as such (not just pretending like I do)…I think it would surprise me if there were…but maybe that’s just my own rationale to help me feel better that I don’t and haven’t felt worthy myself.

    I’m happy for you that you have found someone. I often wonder if that is even in the cards for me at this point.

    I appreciate and look forward to your posts, especially the prayer at the end. Thank you. 🙂

    • Oh I’m so glad you look forward to the posts. I have my days where I can go from feeling truly worthy to “Why would anyone ever want to be with me I’m such a handful?” It is very hard to shake what we learned in our family of origin… especially if it was a dysfunctional one. It has taken me a lot of time to get to the point where 80 percent of the time I truly feel “worthy” with about a 20 percent set back here or there… The person I am with has been a great help by consistently loving me and standing by me during good days and bad days… I have learned I can be a “handful” and that’s okay :). In the past people would “punish” me for having a feeling in hopes to suppress the situation. It is a great feeling to be able to be my authentic self with someone… It took me quite awhile after my divorce to be ready to let someone of quality into my heart… I made a lot of mistakes and in the beginning, went back to the type of partner I was used to: dysfunctional, before I tried something new. I was told by my mentor at that time to stop going back to what was habit and build my new life to do all of the things I loved in life and always wanted to do and that was when I would find someone that was walking the same path (or at least a parallel one!) and I did… this person had actually been right under my nose but I doubt I would have ever seen him before because he wasn’t my type: charming alcoholic yet cruel, addictive, dismissive. Ouch. I hope you will find that person for you… I have a feeling you will! 🙂 D.

  2. Thank you for the vote of confidence. I had hoped the man I married would have been my rock to “consistently love me and stand by me during good days and bad”…alas, I hope it is instead in my future. I do know I’m worthy! (about 75% of the time…lol) 🙂

    • I started giggling when I saw 75% I TOTALLY get it! I thought that too.. about my husband of twenty years… but for me… what I wanted in a husband at 20 changed so radically over the years. He was young, charismatic, a rock star (no joke) we were both on the path of music… he could be great with me and with our kids… but his substance addiction was a constant… good days, weeks, years… bad days, weeks, years… and then infidelity… ego-driven antics. He left me for another woman and then continued to do the same things to her. And that is definitely NOT the partner I want today 🙂

  3. Learned so much from your dialogue here today. I hope to not only be worthy of a new, caring relationship, but that I begin to recognize those individuals, and “let them in”! I’m going to have to be very vigilant about not gravitating to what I’ve known and what I’ve accepted for many years. 🙂

    • Patricia I had a mentor say to me once: If you are at a party… find the one man you AREN’T attracted to and start up a conversation with him! Makes me laugh to think about it but it is so true…. 🙂 D.

  4. LOL, D! I’ve met several “likely suspects” in that regard lately.
    I was bored and left!😗
    But I’m going to take your words seriously and open my mind / my world. I’m rusty.😊

    • Elizabeth and Patricia… the funny thing about my current partner is my teenage children tried to set me up with him and I refused… they had all known him (my entire family including my ex-husband) from the neighborhood. I was like, “I’m not going out with that guy… that NORMAL guy… that neighborhood man” (laughing at this now) 🙂

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