My instinct in life has often served me well: except when it comes to romantic relationships.
Having been raised in dysfunction, and then married into a relationship full of chaos and addiction, my instinct failed me when it came to the best choice of partners.
I always looked for what was familiar to me: what I had grown up with in my family of origin.
And even if my romantic partner’s words and actions swayed towards the negative, I accepted them because it felt like what I had known in my childhood home and I believed that was how people showed their love.
It took many years of spiritual footwork to let go of my skewed belief that to be loved meant that I accepted what came with it: to be humiliated, ignored, belittled, verbally abused, and surrounded by boundaries that were okay to be broken.
Today, I am with someone who is loving and kind. Who does not choose to control me by making me feel “small.” However, it is still a day-to-day struggle for me to accept this kindness, to believe that I am worthy of this attention, and to let go of my own need for drama and chaos, so that I don’t repeat the patterns of my past.
“Dear God, thank you for bringing people into my life who are loving and kind. Thank you for reminding me that I am worthy of love.”