Archive | January 2017

January 31st: Waiting

January 31st-Waiting

When I was first out of my marriage I found the roller coaster of dating… the moments of anticipated acceptance or rejection too much to handle.

If someone expressed interest I quickly pulled away afraid of intimacy.

Yet if someone remained distant and detached, I assumed that something was wrong with me, or that I must be the problem in the relationship or that I had just lost someone wonderful and in pain and despair, would feel terribly hurt all over again.

I decided that the best thing for me to do was to wait a good amount of time, at least a year, before dating or becoming intimate with someone again.

I had been married almost twenty years, and to know what I would want in a future relationship during a time period that was punctuated with pain, despair and my mourning the loss of my marriage, would lead to me making personal choices that would be unsteady and might prove to be unacceptable over time.

I realized that I was dealing with too many emotions and that even the comfort of someone new could not replace what I had felt for my long-time spouse.

I found that though I was often lonely for a partner, the solitude that time brought to me was a gift.

I was able to heal, learn, and move forward on my spiritual path.

In that way, I became sure and ready of what I truly wanted to look for in a new relationship.

“Dear God,  help me to embrace the solitude. Give me time to heal and the strength to move on.”

January 30th: Strength

January 30th Strength

Strength is a character trait that I am glad that I possess.

It has been cultivated over time, made stronger by each trial I have endured.

Today, when I find myself struggling to continue on…

Feeling like I can’t cope for even a moment longer…

I remind myself of the pain and despair I have walked through, over the course of my life, and how I have been made stronger today because of it.

The painful events of my past, remind me that I do have the strength to continue on my spiritual path even when it seems the road is too difficult to walk.

I must remember that “This too shall pass.”

I must remember that change for the better is inevitable.

If I keep these thoughts in mind,  I will move forward…

I will get through my hardships.

“Dear God, help me to have the strength to endure when I feel that I am lost and worn.”

January 29th: Attitude

January 29th-Attitude

Some days are just harder to get through then others.

Maybe I’m overwhelmed by too many commitments.

Maybe I didn’t sleep well the night before and my emotions are getting the better of me.

Maybe I’m just fed up with everyone and everything and can’t stop myself from being snappy or snide… sure that everyone around me is just trying to test my patience.

On days like these, I stop and think about what I once heard in an inspirational speech.

The speaker was sharing an anecdote related to bad attitudes and he said, “If throughout the course of the day you run into someone with a bad attitude… then you run into someone with a bad attitude. Don’t worry about it. It’s bound to happen. Just stay positive and move along in your day but…”

Here he paused for emphasis and then added, “If you run into three or more people with bad attitudes… then you’re the one with the bad attitude.  You’re the one with the problem.”

Of course we all laughed, each of us being guilty of this type of denial related to our own bad behavior at one time or another.

But for me… the sentiment stuck and today… if I do catch myself angry with the world, sure that everyone is against me, ready to attack at any moment… then it is time for me to check my own attitude, change my perspective, and step back onto my spiritual path and away from my shadow self.”

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“Dear God, help me to adjust my attitude during the course of a particularly trying day.  Help me to remember that each day is a gift that I must cherish.”

January 28th: Regrets

January 29th-Regrets

I woke up this morning with regrets on my mind.

Things I had done that I wished that I hadn’t.

Things I had said that I wished I could take back.

Opportunities that I had let pass me by, due to one reason or another.

My heart felt heavy as these feelings washed over me and for a moment, I was overwhelmed by all of the mistakes I had made.

It isn’t easy to let myself swim in regret but… to feel regret… is to allow my conscience to become fully aware and in touch with the painful choices and actions of my past.

I do not have to see it as a negative… I can see it for what it really is… an opportunity for me to change my actions in the present and in the future.

Regret reminds me of what I choose not to repeat…

What words I choose not to share…

What opportunities I should not let pass me by.

Regret reminds me to make an amends to all I may have harmed in my past and specifically… to forgive myself and move on.

“Dear God, help me to let go of regret and live in the present. Help me to forgive myself my past as I move toward a more positive direction in my future.”

January 24th: Giving to Others

January 24th

Yesterday, I was speaking to a friend who had been in a very bad place emotionally.

He had been struggling with old behaviors, old relationships, residue of the past clinging to each of his thoughts and actions.

I was just about to share my experience of how, giving back to others, had always relieved my burdens when he said, “I’ve decided to volunteer at my friend’s hospice. I think if I give back to others it will help.”

I smiled to myself, and we went on to talk about the joys of helping others.

Often times, so caught up in my own life’s troubles, my own problems, I forget that there are those around me suffering much more serious fates.

Being of service, being the light in someone else’s day, putting my own problems aside to share my strength, hope, experience with others, reminds me to be grateful and how much I have to give to those in need.

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“Dear God, remind me to be present for those in need. Help me to put my own troubles aside and share my strength, faith and hope.”

January 23rd: Revelation

January 22nd

Sometimes I can be oblivious to what is really going on inside of me, until I have some type of revelation.

Overwhelmed by too many commitments, struggling with issues regarding my self-esteem, worn, tired, straying from my spiritual path, it is as if my Higher Power suddenly throws someone directly in my way, who says the exact words I need to hear, or gives me exactly what I need in my life, to have a moment of clarity that brings my true world back into focus.

When I hear something said that resounds in my soul… I must listen to it.

When I see something done that sets off a distant bell of understanding… I mustn’t ignore it.

These moments of enlightenment are precious… they reveal the truth and lead me back onto my spiritual path.

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“Dear God, help me to listen when you speak to me. Help me to watch when you show me. Help me to follow your path when I have lost my way.”

January 22nd: Inappropriate Behavior

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Sometimes I slip back into old and familiar patterns and catch myself acting out and behaving inappropriately with others.

It may be that I have allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my day-to-day activities, worn and tired, I stray away from my spiritual path and forget to take a fearless moral inventory of my direction.

Suddenly, my actions are not matching my moral compass… my true beliefs.

Maybe I am gossiping to feel better about myself?

Maybe I am being cruel to someone to feel in control when I am fearful?

Maybe I am flirting in need of attention, hoping to show that I am still desirable to others?

But this is my shadow self and it is a role that no longer suits me.

When I falter in my behavior, I can choose to change my inappropriate words or actions at any time.

I can choose to change them during any moment of the day.

I don’t have to wait for tomorrow.

I can stop myself now, apologize for my behavior, and then choose to begin to make a living amends to all those affected by my inappropriate words or actions.

“Dear God, help me to be true in all of my relationships. Help me to forgive myself when I falter and others to forgive me for my slips.”