I grew up in a home that was full of chaos and shaky boundaries.
There was a lot of love, a lot of laughter, but we learned early on, that the adults in our home often broke trust with us and with each other.
Nothing was ever “firm.”
No one could ever truly be counted on.
Growing up in dysfunction made me believe that all relationships, all families, must act this way.
So when I married, I looked for the same qualities in my husband that I had first found in my family home.
He was charming, talented, witty, intelligent, and helped me to re-create a world of passion, chaos, and poor boundaries.
Each time my husband promised me something, I would believe that this time… it would be different… this time… he would follow through… this time… I would be able to trust the person I loved.
It was as if I had never learned any of the lessons from my childhood: I trusted blindly.
Today I know that actions speak louder than words.
If I give someone I love chance-after-chance to be trustworthy and they continue to fail me… what am I saying about myself and who am I ultimately hurting?
If I allow myself to be hurt, disappointed, unnerved, frustrated time-and-time again… I must take myself in hand.
I cannot be angry with another person if I keep giving my trust freely and allowing them to have it when it has not been earned.
“Dear God, help me to protect and care for myself by living in the reality of the situation and not holding out for the fantasy. Help me to see I am worthy of more.”
“when it has not been earned.” yes. This is the key.
Good post. Keep up the good work. Trust your gut, don’t look for what’s not there or rewrite. I’ll be back. Thank you.
Thank you Heidi. 🙂
Trust was almost a given with my closest family and friends until last year when a divorce was the only option. Best friend lover broke every ounce of foundation of trust … Couldn’t even keep up with the lies, and I realize now that some people cope with change and guilt that way. But what a slam one would never want to expect.
I’m going have to watch myself- that I don’t put undo expectations upon someone in a friendship or a new relationship !
P… I just trusted someone yesterday that I thought I could trust and today I found out… that just wasn’t the case… I’ve known this person since I was sixteen! Talk about unexpected! But.. what did I learn? That I can’t trust that particular person. Doesn’t mean I have to lose them from my life or make a big scene, it just means I have to change the boundaries of the friendship and keep it on a “surface” level… Oy! 🙂 D.
Hi D: I understand and agree…
And isn’t it amazing how people so close to us can do such surprising things.
In fact I was having “one of those days” today where the tape in my head was playing the “lousiest moments” greatest hits of the past year.
I realize I’ll have to make boundaries as you said.
What really irks me is the disappointment!
I have always expected so much from myself and then, those closest to me, that I’ve given my trust and my heart to.
My ex certainly isn’t and won’t be part of my life going forward, but many other people will be, and learning that boundaries may have to be established is something I now understand – a lesson learned.
Emeshed boundaries are devastating to families and relationships… You read my estranged husbands family with this one. Much peace and love to you!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR, Adrienne. I hope this year brings you much joy and happiness. 🙂 D.