July 12th: Knowing


There came a moment in my divorce, when I truly knew in my heart that it was over, and I accepted things for what they were.

I didn’t cry.

I didn’t exalt.

I didn’t shout angry words or curse my former love.

I just sat quietly and embraced the truth: that I was at the end of my marriage and grieving the loss of my dream.

I had fought for so hard and so long that I was exhausted from my emotional battle, weary from my broken heart, and numb at the prospect of rebuilding my world.

I wasn’t sure where to begin, but begin I did, and though it was one of the most difficult changes in my life, time moved me through the pain of the moment, and I began to find my way.

I know in my heart, that for me, endings will always be sad… change is never easy… and beginnings will always generate a certain amount of fear.

But I have learned, through my experience, that relationships and life, are ever changing, and that if I can love the moments I have had… instead of despairing over the moments that I believe I have lost… I will have so much more of life to embrace and so many memories to hold dear.

“Dear God, thank you for the gift of love. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share part of my life with another human being.”

8 thoughts on “July 12th: Knowing

  1. Very inspiring. It’s encouraging to hear other women who are going through or have gone through the same thing. Thank you for deep and insightful introspection.

    • Thank you Christina for your kind words… and I hope you are finding your way on your new path… so hard to suffer such a great loss but I take comfort in knowing that we are all here to provide support for each other. πŸ™‚ D.

  2. Beautifully said,D.
    Can’t believe it’s been a year since I’ve spoken with or seen my ex.
    I’m starting to feel as you’ve described.
    I didn’t realize how much living I had actually stopped doing.
    I was so hurt, that I was actually trying to hold something together that didn’t warrant it , and I was so afraid to just “let it go”…
    But I’ve noticed that I now wake up in the morning and anticipate there will be new people , events and challenges – not easy , but also not heading down the path of pain , fear and sadness that I stayed in for too long.
    Freedom is difficult but it provides more moments of peace.

  3. Well ,D, it’s now been two years since I’ve seen or talked to my ex.
    I was re-reading posts here and my mindset is on the same track .
    Acceptance of the end of my marriage was difficult .
    It was very over for many years before we went through the process, and I didn’t see my way out.
    I did know. But didn’t want to see it and feel it.
    I rarely think of him, although it would still be difficult to see him, my feelings of resentment or longing have dissipated.
    Moving on has been liberating and also strange adjusting to the realization that I’m building a life on my own decisions and the love of family and friends — I was so depressed and hidden that I couldn’t get myself out from under and see what was around me.
    Rebuilding and rediscovering friendships and activities has been just as hard – but at least it’s creating a healthier , happier life !

    • Patricia… two years… and look how far you’ve come… Tell me what are the things you REALLY love about being on your own now? I love having my house decorated just the way I like it… the WHOLE bed to myself… (except when my new partner is over visiting) Not feeling like I’m walking on egg shells the whole time… afraid something would set my spouse off… and knowing that I feel like my true-self now that I have gone through this… share with me… I’m interested in knowing what you are loving right now. πŸ™‚ D.

  4. Hi D!
    One thing that helped me because I had isolated myself so much during the last several years of the marriage, was deciding to live with a roommate and not alone.
    Our lives are very separate in terms of careers and activities but it is a landing place of stability.
    I’ve minimized “clutter” ( no more of his stuff πŸ™‚
    It’s scary but so much more invigorating and also peaceful (if that makes sense) to wake up each day , get into building the business , and the adventure of seeing what’s going to happen next.
    I wasn’t capable of seeing much of anything around me except tension, bills to pay and care taking in other areas . There was not much living left.
    Feeling relief and joy now – and it makes it so much easier to face new challenges in learning to live again.

    What I really appreciate and love now is actually seeing friends everyday. I’m walking 4 miles a day and going to the gym .
    I’m learning to make decisions that impact myself and not always deferring to someone else.
    I was walking on eggshells in many ways too … And I’m sure it was my way of trying to just hold it together .
    When I see people I know , now, they say …gee … I remember this person πŸ™‚ you’re back.

  5. Oh, thank you! Reading your posts everyday over the past two years have helped me (and others) SO MUCH, and helped me regain some sanity! πŸ™‚

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