I was coming home from a trip. It would be the first time that my husband wouldn’t be there to pick me up. I hadn’t really thought about it until we pulled into the dock. I saw women on the boat start waving to their significant others. I saw their lovers, boyfriends, husbands smile and wave back.
I was so hurt.
Where was my husband?
Why had he chosen to leave?
Why couldn’t I have him here to pick me up?
My heart hurt just to think of it.
I was so terribly sad.
I started to pick up my luggage and walk down the ramp to the terminal. I hated that I felt so alone. I hated that I didn’t have a husband to pick me up anymore. I watched the other couples and then, I started to think…
I didn’t know what was going on in their marriages. Yes, they had husbands to pick them up. Yes, they might be a couple but that didn’t mean that they were happy. How many times had my husband come to pick me up and been angry that he had to do it? How many times had he been upset when the boat I was on was late? Or the plane?
We looked happy to everyone else who saw us but I knew, as soon as he had me alone, he would let me know how I had put him out by having him come to pick me up.
How many times had we argued in the car all the way home?
I was missing something I never truly had.
I was wanting what the other couples I saw had… not even knowing if they were truly happy.
Who knows what goes on in another person’s life?
Who knows what goes on in another couple’s marriage?
They have their own problems to work out and their own happiness to find.
I was feeling sorry for myself.
So I didn’t have a husband to pick me up. So I didn’t have something that someone else had. That didn’t mean that I was worse off for it. It wasn’t better or worse… It just was.
I needed to stop wanting what other people had and be happy with what I did have. Someday, maybe I would have a husband to pick me up from the boat, to wave and smile, and maybe we would be truly happy.
Today though, it is just me. I can choose to be miserable… to wallow in self-pity for what I don’t have… to believe that if I just had what others had that I would be truly happy or… I can choose to smile, to wave, to walk the ramp from the boat… alone… and be happy with what I do have; myself.
“Dear God, help me to appreciate what I have, instead of longing for what I want. Help me to remember that what I want may not be what I truly need.”
Photo Credit: Paul Bradley
Daily Divorce Meditations 
I agree. What others have doesn’t define what you have or what you want. So much is based upon perception.
I feel sad and lonely at times but have to remind myself that I’m actually happier now and free of many issues, chaos, and agendas based upon deception by my soon to be ex. He couldn’t bring himself to be direct and took the cowardly way out by lying and pretending.
Moving on is hard. Moving forward with purpose and positive anticipation is even harder.
I am looking for peace of mind …
Oh do I know that feeling. Thank you.
This is so very hard for me…and it’s not always what “others” have…just what I don’t.
Yes…. I think we all know that feeling and struggle with it. Now that I’ aware… I catch myself doing it much less! But every once in awhile… oy! 🙂 D.
This post hits home feelings that I have from two angles; the craving for that care, the truth of what I did not have (towards the end of the marriage at least).
I agree Elizabeth … And there are moments when I feel both of those .
I pray everyday for God to free me from the pain in my heart. When will it stop hurting? I feel so broken still. And so abandoned too. God is with me I do feel that. But I just want the pain in my heart to stop. It’s so paralyzing sometimes. My mind won’t give me a break. I keep thinking about everything over n over. How did we let this happen. We had a great life. Then poof it fell apart. God please help me n all those hurting from divorce.💝
Angela, I’m here for you. I was in your place and I made it through to the other side. You will too! It hurts… and it is going to hurt for awhile… but I’m here to walk with you through it. D.
Thank you everyone. You have no idea how much your words and kindness mean to me. This has been so hard. The hardest thing I’ve gone through in my adult life. It’s been over a year. And he literally moved on within days of leaving our marriage for the last time with another woman. I found out that she is pregnant now about 4-5 months. Wow that one hurt. But all of my kids are grown and gone. When we first got together I was willing to have a baby but he had a daughter from a previous relationship and she lived with us so he said he was fine not having more kids. She will be 18 this year. And I raised her but he won’t let her see me or me her. The girlfriend isn’t comfortable with that. WOW! She has Aspergers. And believe me when I say raising a special needs child is hard cuz it is. But I love her. She and I went through some “stuff” together. But we (me and her) got her where she wanted to be. Which was to fit in with other kids her age. I miss her terribly. I have a beautiful grand daughter and she’s been a big light through all of this. We skype almost daily. She’s been my saving grace. Anyways thank you thank you thank you for all your kind and loving replies. I don’t feel so alone. And for the record I’m not. I have some really great friends and my family isn’t with me but they do try to check on me often.
God bless 🙂
Angela… we are all hear for you…. I’m glad you have a support group of friends and family and now… you have this too! D.
Angela,
First….your not alone. I too was where U are at. I can relate to obsessive thoughts. My mind not giving me a break. A pain in my chest. I’m on the other side now. It’s ok to ask for help…talk to people/counselors. There are stages to this….you are grieving a loss…you will heal from this. I’m here to help if you want. It’s a hurt that only another one that has gone through it understands.
Thank you, Matt. Your words make a difference! D.
I could write so much about this. My brother and his second wife get along beautifully. I wouldn’t say I envy them: I’m just in awe and amazed at how they enjoy each other’s company so much. Because I did not enjoy my husband’s company, I am the one getting off that boat and happy to be on my own. But like you wrote, I do wonder what it would be like to have someone there waiting for me with love. I’m not wistful and upset – I think wondering is a good thing.
Wondering may lead to looking! 😉 You are getting there! D.
Hah! I knew you were going to say that. Yes, it’s definitely an improvement. 🙂
My husband and I were considered so happy … The couple that had so much . And for almost 30 years we did , and over a few short years later on in the marriage it changed. So many factors , and eroding truthful communication and lack of partnership . It still gives me that lousy feeling in my stomach when I think back on it … Like watching a train that’s not going to stop.
The pain subsides with time as you so supportively said , DD. Day by day steps at first . And Angela , I’m thinking of you – I was there in my own way only a few short years ago. You will feel better – and your life will continue in such a beautiful way.
Thank you, Patricia. I love our little community. The support really makes a difference. 🙂 D.