It was hard to believe during my divorce that I would ever be happy again.
All of the joy in my world, all of my own spark, was diminished by the tragedy that was my failed marriage.
I did everything I could to try to distract myself from the sadness that clouded every waking moment of my life, but despite my best efforts to “act as if” and to “move on” I was miserable.
But we as human beings are adaptive.
And though I often thought I would not make it through… soon happiness began to pop up to surprise me in unexpected moments:
A small child waving at me from a distance.
A funny expression on my dog’s face.
An off-the-cuff comic remark from one of my friend’s determined to make me laugh once again.
Happiness came back to me in tiny increments… snapshots of joy that began to punctuate my life and soothe my soul.
Today, my life is filled with happiness.
I find it in my conversations with my loved ones.
In my daily lessons with my students.
In the words that I write.
In the music that I sing.
In the sure knowledge that I am exactly who I am today and where I am supposed to be… reminded through tragedy… that happiness is precious and should always be cherished.
“Dear God, thank you for bringing happiness to my life. Thank you for giving me so much to be grateful for in my world.”
Happiness… ah yes, what I hope and pray returns on a more regular and real basis than just the brief fleeting glimpse I now get, which quickly fades away and is hard to remember it being there at all. It frightens me and I begin to panic and think… “this is all I will ever be”. I have to keep telling myself it will get better, but I am struggling to believe it deeply. I spent Saturday night on my bathroom floor…sick. All my family and friend support systems were out of town and I was left there feeling miserably sick, unable to get myself some medicine that might help, and missing my ex husband being there to support me and help me. I admittedly was a pretty pathetic mess. Finally at 3:30 am my son came home and was able to drive me to the hospital. I almost felt guilty for having to rely on someone to help me, but I was also so grateful that I did have someone who was there. Since that night I feel the loss creep back in, into all the places where I thought I was okay. The “missing him” seems so real again, and seems to permeate each step I take. I tell myself that this will change…this will pass…I will move forward…but it is just hard feeling vulnerable in this place where happiness is so fleeting. Thank you for your words once again. I read them and they give me faith that I will get through this, and I will heal. Tanya
Tanya, you will… I promise you will get through this…. the pain in the beginning is just so palpable and the “missing” really does come in waves…. it seems that you are over it and then…. a wave of emotion comes crashing back down on you…. I hope you are feeling better and I’m glad your son was there for you and that YOU are there for him…. someone once told me…. remember all of the people who love you in your life… the ones who are there to share your life with you… is their love less valuable then his? No. Find solace in all of the people who care and want to see you happy again… myself included! I’m here for you! 🙂 D.
I am so fortunate to have a couple of very close friends who really do care. I am finding happiness in different ways now, but still battling to keep it. It’s hard to balance feeling my life is on a happier track now, yet I still have to hear certain instances of my ex bragging about how he’s so “lucky” in his “new life.”
( and some if it is a smoke screen)
I’m hoping my happiness in my own life will start to build more quickly now.
Remember…. your divorce and his new life are still in the beginning phases…. he may very well be happy…. or, he may be saying these things because he knows it will get back to you…. but if he hasn’t done the spiritual footwork… he will still end up back in the exact same position with his new partner. If he did unacceptable things towards you, such as cheating, the odds of him doing it with the next woman after a time… are very high… Either way…. you are doing the footwork… you are moving forward…. you are working towards a new life where you will look to find a new partner that meets your needs and doesn’t engage your shadow self! 🙂 D.
Thank you for helping me stay on track.
I’ve noticed that what I need to work on most now is letting go of my anger. Can’t give him, or my irritations, continued mental fuel!
It’s easy to become furious…. you’re still vulnerable… no matter how much you wish you weren’t. Anger is part of the deal…. just don’t act on it and you’ll be good! 🙂
One thing that helps that just happened…
There is too much traffic on FB.
I unfriended him long ago but “triggers” were still showing up, and people would tell me or I’d go look when I should have stayed away from it.
It was holding me back , no doubt.
He blocked my profile finally which is best for both of us.
I can let go of this and I bet much of the anger will go with it– moving away from the unnecessary pain and being so stubborn in my irritation / obsessing.
FB is a HUGE trigger. I am friendly with my ex but we are not friends on FB. Someone once told me “Don’t go looking for pain” and of course looking on someone’s profile or feed that I am already vulnerable to only creates “self-torture.” I am friends with many of our mutual friends on FB but I do not “follow” any of them on social media. It keeps good solid boundaries for me that I refuse to cross these days… I don’t need to create my own suffering. D.
You are so right.
Not colliding with all that on social media is going to be an adjustment and I suspect soon a feeling of much more peace of mind …
And the internal chatter will be going down & redirecting to moving forward.
This is such an impactful post.
I even go back and read it now and then.
It’s all ” right on”.
Staying away from pain in allowing the happier and more creative spirit to return 🙂
I was the one who initiated my divorce in a huge moment of clarity. I was frightened. Really frightened, two kids and a mortgage and I have never supported myself financially much less two
kids. Even though it was my idea it was so painful. All those ties I thought would easily break away didn’t. I was jealous that the new wife was getting a better version of my ex then I ever had. And in the end she made sure that he never came around our children. I could say all that was tragic, but I think it all played out exactly how it was supposed to. And life goes on. And I learned to count myself blessed by the positive people in my life who loved me. And two amazing children that came from our marriage. Life is school. I just keep trying to get the lessons and catch up. Some days are easier than others.
Isn’t it sad that an adult would keep another adult from their own children? Self-esteem and fear-based issues can really add to the problem of a situation but you are right… life is school… and most of the pain often comes from being unable to accept the reality of a situation and work with it “as is”
I know some days are harder than others but look at your progress… just the fact that you do accept things “as is…” seeing the blessing in the positive people around you and the amazing children that came out of your union really is a reminder that even when things seem to be at their worse… if we are really paying attention… often our cup is “still running over.”
I have suffered several great losses in my lifetime and though they were tremendous personal tragedies they were also eye-opening moments that reminded me to be true to my path and lead with empathy in my day-to-day life. I’m here… it will get easier as time goes on… I promise. D.