When I was growing up, I was taught not to show my true feelings.
It was not safe to express feelings in my home.
Exposing feelings in my home could cause terrible reactions. It was better not to express your feelings, better to rely on logic.
I began to excel at school.
I learned that logic could hold me. I didn’t have to feel anything to get an “A” on my math test. I could use logic and succeed.
I learned to bury my feelings and rely on my brain to get me through life. I could logic my way out of anything. I believed that if I just studied hard enough everything would work out fine.
Well, that isn’t the way life works.
Sometimes, we can do everything in a logical manner, hoping to obtain a certain result, and it still won’t happen.
When my marriage began to decline, I was at a loss.
Logically, I believed that if I just worked harder, studied harder, figured out exactly what my spouse needed I could make it work.
Logically, it made perfect sense. I had always triumphed using my logic. I would triumph again.
But, logic didn’t work.
Nothing about what we were going through was logical. It was all based on feelings, emotions, sensations, resentments that were buried for many, many years.
Every logical conclusion ended with us in a passionate argument followed by a silent stalemate.
We couldn’t get past the feelings… there was no logic.
When my husband decided that he truly wanted a divorce, I once again began to logic my way through it. I read all of the divorce books I could find. I made lists of reasons for this happening. I studied and worked to understand but, my logic failed me. I couldn’t logic my way out of this one.
I was devastated.
I knew that there was no logic to what happened, it just happened.
I would have to walk through my feelings. I would have to feel every emotion that I had hidden away.
It was very scary.
It was very painful.
Logic had failed me.
The one thing I had trusted throughout my life had let me down.
I would have to feel this and I didn’t like it: feelings were uncomfortable.
There was no other way.
I would have to walk through it.
Logic is good but sometimes there is no logic in life. Logic is good… as long as it isn’t used to replace feelings.
There has to be a balance between logic and feelings: one cannot replace the other.
“Dear God, help me to walk through my feelings. I know that it can be uncomfortable to allow myself to feel things, but if I bury them, they will resurface again and again, causing turmoil in my life. Guide me through my feelings, and past the pain.”
I can relate so much!
I grew up in a caring but more logical and stoical environment.
So, I understand about wanting logic to prevail– and I also learned to bury my emotions.
Going through a divorce now, I did battle with myself about trying to “solve” things and ended up realizing I just had to feel the pain, the anger, and the humiliation.
I can’t make these feelings go away. And I can’t seem to speed up the healing process either.
It’s so frustrating but I guess I just have to let go and let the thoughts and emotions flow and take their course.
You just have to keep walking through it… and the feelings are up and down and all over the place but it will calm after some time… 🙂
I wish I could run through it!
There is even a photo on Facebook of my soon to be ex, on his girlfriend’s page, of the two of them smiling and holding on to each other. I’ve been doing well but I’m amazed at how much it stings and makes my stomach churn.
But that was reality looking back at me.
My logical self handles that we’re moving on, but I still feel heartache. To be back together is not the wish, but sadness and pain is still so immediate. He is not pushing it in my face but it’s hard not to be hurt regardless. I hope time will ease my even “taking in” seeing things or hearing things about him.
Remember….. don’t go looking for pain! There is absolutely no reason for you to look him up on social media! It will only hurt you! Plus…. most people post on FB what they want people to see… not the reality of the situation…. Those images will only make you sad! Stay away as much as you can! 🙂
Thank you for helping me clear my head about this. It did hurt. I don’t even have him “friended” on FB anymore. I went looking … Curiosity / wishing he’s not so happy.
And you’re so right.
Only what they want people to see will be there.
Lesson learned the hard way today.
Social media is SO difficult… so glad you aren’t “friended” anymore… IT is so easy to get in that mind set and then go looking, as my mentor says, for pain. I still have certain people turned off in my FB news feed that trigger my shadow self. Change the settings if you need to… with mutual friends… if you are worried what you might see or read on their page…. that it may upset you or trigger a set back…. just go to their pages and hit “do not show in news feed.”
That way you can keep them as a FB friend but not be triggered by a random piece of information or visual at the wrong time!
After a few weeks, the drive to “look” will begin to fade and you will feel so much better and if you catch yourself getting ready to “look”… stop…. it will only end in pain for you!
My ex-husband and I are not friends on FB… I have him completely blocked for my own sanity… we get along in person (in fact he was just over here swimming in the pool with my son yesterday!) but I don’t need to be connected to him through social media. 🙂
You are doing great Patricia… you are talking about things… writing to me… keeping connected as you work through this… You will get there! Just keep going! 🙂
This post resonates with me. When my husband first left, as devastated as I was, I began applying logic and reason and analyzed my way out of deep pain relatively early. I stayed there for about nine months then crashed twelve months later. I have since then ever so slowly worked through the feelings I initially tried to avoid or numb out and indeed have even come to accept that some of them will even stay with me for some time. It is a new way, feeling these feelings.
Elizabeth… I really thought my logic would carry me through and you are right… those feelings aren’t fun and some of those feelings do stay for quite awhile. But it sounds like you are moving forward… I know you will… 🙂 D.