When I was growing up, I was taught not to show my true feelings.
It was not safe to express feelings in my home.
Exposing feelings in my home could cause terrible reactions. It was better not to express your feelings, better to rely on logic.
I began to excel at school.
I learned that logic could hold me. I didn’t have to feel anything to get an “A” on my math test. I could use logic and succeed.
I learned to bury my feelings and rely on my brain to get me through life. I could logic my way out of anything. I believed that if I just studied hard enough everything would work out fine.
Well, that isn’t the way life works.
Sometimes, we can do everything in a logical manner, hoping to obtain a certain result, and it still won’t happen.
When my marriage began to decline, I was at a loss.
Logically, I believed that if I just worked harder, studied harder, figured out exactly what my spouse needed I could make it work.
Logically, it made perfect sense. I had always triumphed using my logic. I would triumph again.
But, logic didn’t work.
Nothing about what we were going through was logical. It was all based on feelings, emotions, sensations, resentments that were buried for many, many years.
Every logical conclusion ended with us in a passionate argument followed by a silent stalemate.
We couldn’t get past the feelings… there was no logic.
When my husband decided that he truly wanted a divorce, I once again began to logic my way through it. I read all of the divorce books I could find. I made lists of reasons for this happening. I studied and worked to understand but, my logic failed me. I couldn’t logic my way out of this one.
I was devastated.
I knew that there was no logic to what happened, it just happened.
I would have to walk through my feelings. I would have to feel every emotion that I had hidden away.
It was very scary.
It was very painful.
Logic had failed me.
The one thing I had trusted throughout my life had let me down.
I would have to feel this and I didn’t like it: feelings were uncomfortable.
There was no other way.
I would have to walk through it.
Logic is good but sometimes there is no logic in life. Logic is good… as long as it isn’t used to replace feelings.
There has to be a balance between logic and feelings: one cannot replace the other.
“Dear God, help me to walk through my feelings. I know that it can be uncomfortable to allow myself to feel things, but if I bury them, they will resurface again and again, causing turmoil in my life. Guide me through my feelings, and past the pain.”