When people sometimes choose to leave my life, or change the parameters of our relationship, I tend to think… Oh God, what did I do? It must have been something I said… some way I acted that brought on this change in our status.
And yes, maybe I did do something or say something that created a change, caused a riff, or prompted a move.
This is when I have to step back and really look at the situation with awareness.
When I was going through my divorce, I was speaking to a close friend one day and I said, “I don’t understand why he left? I looked at my part in the problem, I moved to correct my mistakes and clean up my side of the street. Why is he not making an effort to do the same?”
She looked at me and said, “You have to let him go. Look at all of the other wonderful people that are here around you. They want to be a part of your day-to-day world, they love you dearly and enjoy your company. It is good to be aware of your part in things, but you dwelling on him leaving basically makes us all feel that we are not as important as the man who has chosen to leave you.”
And she was right: It was his decision… not mine.
Today. I still struggle when friends leave, relationships change or end, but I also know that I am not willing to go running after anyone and try to “make” them see that being with me would be a good thing.
If they value my friendship … want to be my friend… they will put in the effort just as I have, examine the relationship, and work to hold on to it or mend it.
If they don’t value my friendship, or if my friendship does not meet with their current life choices, then I have to let them go.
People choose to leave and change… this is a part of life that I must accept.
All I can do is examine my part in the relationship, work to clean up my side of the street, and then let go with awareness if they choose to walk a new path on their own.
“Dear God, help me to see that people’s decisions are not “All about me.” You have created a path for my friends that may lead them away from my life. That does not mean I cannot let them go with compassion and pray for them as they embark on their new journey.”
Wow… I’ve had a few situations recently where our mutual friends, and family members (of my ex), have reached out to be in touch, to ask how I’m doing, and they seem to sincerely want to be part of my life to some degree going forward.
I automatically get nervous and wonder “what do they really think of me?” , “what do they want to know?”, “are they only curious and want to be able to tell my ex what they know?” (and would he even care anyway!)….
I don’t want my ex to be a topic of our conversation, nor have him be the “invisible 400lb gorilla” in the room either.
I guess I need to just be myself, see them, and perhaps discover that I will be friends with some for many years to come, and some may just be “passing through” as I go through transition.
You may need time before you can be friends with them or hang out with them… a bit of space until the initial “charge” of the event calms is always good. Try it out and see how you feel. If it is uncomfortable… tell them you need a bit more time… take care of yourself first and the rest will fall into place! 🙂 D.
Thank you, DD. I was thinking about that as I was writing the post… I don’t know if it’s time to get together with those folks yet. And I think I can be honest with them and tell them I need more time if that’s what feels best. Feeling a lot of trepidation right now. Our would be anniversary comes up soon too. Trying to just stay away from the pain when I can.
I had to stay away from so many people and places in the beginning Patricia because it just triggered TOO much reaction in me. It is totally understandable if you need time… and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Just say, “It’s too soon. Thank you for understanding.” and do what you need to care for yourself! I’m here for you! 🙂 D.