During my separation and ultimately, my divorce, I found it very difficult to contain my jealousy.
I had not let go of my life with my soon-to-be ex-husband and the thought of him moving on with another person left me in a state of panic.
I was in total despair and I was shaken by my complete lack of control regarding our situation.
I could do nothing to stop the inevitable: he would move on and there would be someone else.
I had to work to clear my mind from obsessing:
Who was he with?
What were they doing?
Why her and not me?
It was very difficult to stop my negative thinking once it began.
I spent a lot of time re-directing my thoughts to my life but it took quite a bit of time to let go and I had many setbacks where my jealousy would consume me, and I would revert to old patterns of snooping for information that would confirm my suspicions but also… cause me more pain.
One day, someone I trusted very much said, “Don’t go looking for pain. You can’t stop him from moving on and you are only hurting yourself by continually digging into his new life for answers.”
I worked each day to ignore social media that might lead me to painful information. Each time I chose not to act out in jealousy and thrive on my obsession, it became a little easier to let go and move on.
Time has now passed and I now very rarely keep tabs on my ex-husband’s life.
My own life is full of my own obsessions: positive ones that bring me closer to the spiritual path I long to walk.
“Dear God, help me to let go of my obsession. Help me to move on and let go of jealousy. Help me to mind my own business and focus on my own life.”
I have such fear that I will break into pieces and never be whole again when I learn he has someone else, when I learn he is sharing himself with someone else, when I learn someone else has taken my place. I am terrified of that day, that my jealousy will consume me and that is all I will see and I will crush with that knowledge. I know one day I will hear this news. I just pray I am stronger by then…that I have had some sense of healing and a stronger foundation to hold me up… because at this point I only have the sense that I am still alive..that I am still surviving…but I cant seem to find the part that makes me happy that I am.
Time will move you through. I hated when people said that but it is the truth. The longer time went on it became so much easier. In the beginning I was just like you… barely able to make it through the day let alone think about the future… Today… I have an amazing life and an amazing relationship that fits the person I am now. I’m here for you. 🙂 D.
I was delivered that shocking blow in the same moment of being told my 37 year marriage was ending without any say. There were many aspects to deal with, broken trust being the greatest. Jealousy has never been one of them because in that instant of the pain being inflicted I though ;if you are telling me what I think you are telling me, if you could do this to me, if you could cause me this much pain; then I do not want you any more; I deserve better’.
It has taken two and a half years for me to believe those instinctive thoughts, yet they flashed through my mind in that instant.
That is SO true Elizabeth…. we know it…. but our heart can’t always catch up with our instincts that quickly. Yesterday, a photo came through a social media feed showing someone I had dated seriously at one time just sitting with another woman. Just sitting… not even intimately and yet… I reacted.
I was actually shocked at how quickly my heart began to race and… my emotions escalate… I didn’t even realize that I had feelings about this man still. It was an interesting moment for me… and I immediately thought back to my marriage of 20 years…. and how today…. I look at my ex husband… and see how he has repeated his bad behavior with the woman he left me for… and I am thankful… that I am no longer married to him. You are SO right… we do deserve MUCH better. 🙂 D.
oh boy….I feel like you just wrote this blog about me lol!!! I remember all the social media reminders that absolutely killed me on the inside. Her changing her facebook profile to a picture of her and him. Even me reading her blogs, hoping that there was a clue as to how I could get her back. I remember the pain it caused. I remember sitting at my desk with tears in my eyes reading about her new life. I also remember me thinking…..I can’t do this to myself anymore. It’s just hurting me even more. Awesome blog thanks for writing it today!
Johnny that is ABSOLUTELY the WORST feeling. IT is amazing no matter how logical we can be that hurt and emotion can level us in a matter of seconds! So sorry you went through that. But you are right…. there comes a time when you don’t want to hurt yourself anymore…. hitting an emotional bottom is just awful…. but when it happens to me I have to be thankful because my resolve becomes quite solid and I begin to take action to protect myself! D.
Obsessing, trying to analyze what happened, imagining what his life is now, letting social media hurt my feelings even more– it has taken many months to move away from daily pain and even anger. I understand and have lived so much of what you’ve described. And as much as it can sound cliche, it’s true that time does bring healing. The chatter starts to fade… But not unless I work hard to keep my kind in the present as much as possible !
More time and that chatter will dissipate! I have no interest in searching for info regarding my ex-husband or hearing info about my ex-husband. 🙂 That will come to you as well! D.
Another year and lots less chatter, just as you mentioned would come to pass.
In fact one if my friends said – your ex called me the other day.
I don’t get a jittery stomach anymore. In fact as he went on about all this trivial stuff that’s not going well for him, I said , ribbing him a bit – I think you are more curious than I can be.
There isn’t anything going on in his life that makes any difference anymore.
I was jealous of his moving so quickly to another life – weird but not jealous of the “other” person .
I just resented the whole damn thing.
But that’s passed now . Yay!
Isn’t that interesting? And didn’t you want to say to your friend “Why are you telling me that?” …people are funny…. I love that you didn’t take the bait and in a fun way let that friend know that you aren’t interested anymore… and good for you…. trust me… you are moving on! 🙂 D.
Thank you – I think I too.
But it’s going to take more time .. Which I have!
Can’t believe how lost in a haze I was and didn’t move out of the marriage long ago.
Felt scared and just ” didn’t see it”.
Don’t beat yourself up about that… it happened when it was supposed to happen…. and your higher power did whatever they needed to do to get you out of your own way… and now… you are on the move and ready for the life that YOU want to create… and how great is that? :)))) D.
It’s interesting … It does feel that it happened the way it was supposed to .
Thank you – helps so much 🙂