It is important to be honest with others but also to be honest with ourselves.
Often times I fight for things that I believe I want… even though I know deep down inside that what I am fighting for is not in my best interest.
Mainly because my ego won’t let something go.
At the end of my marriage, I knew it was time to give up, to admit that my relationship could not be fixed and move on yet…
I had spent so many years fighting for my marriage… so many years championing my husband, that to give up felt like a great loss of energy and time… a loss that I could not live with.
But the truth was, when I was calm and totally honest with myself I could see that I had lost the battle along time ago and my marriage was no longer in my best interest or my husband’s.
We wanted different things.
I could not change my husband’s mind and make him want something that in his heart honestly no longer worked for him.
And if the marriage would not work for him… then of course… it would not be of benefit to me.
To continue fighting just to say that I “saved my relationship…”
Just to prove that I could “fix it…”
That I could “win him back” was not right.
Why was I still holding on?
Because my ego wouldn’t let me “let it go.”
When I looked with honesty at the situation, I knew the right thing to do was to stop fighting.
I knew it was time to move on.
Yes, twenty years is a long time to fight for a relationship but should I hold on to it even longer out of ego and pride?
How long is long enough?
I was afraid to let go but I had to be honest with myself.
It was hard to give up on my marriage… hard to let go of “my predicted plan” for my life but…
To let go meant that I had faith in God’s plan even when I could not see the road ahead.
“Dear God, help me to look honestly at a situation and do the right thing. It is not always easy to let go of ego and pride but with your guidance and my faith in your plan, I can move forward with integrity.”
I always felt I fought hard to keep my marriage but now I realize it was eroding for both of us for some time and we didn’t deal with it realistically when it came down to it. I’m honest with myself now that I was fighting for a lost cause and can let go now. The pain is still ever-present but I see things more clearly now.
My friend and I were walking the other day and we were talking about my ex-spouse who is a mutual friend. Time has brought me so much clarity on our relationship. I know today with complete surety that my divorce was for the best and I was just unwilling at the time to “let go” because I had been fighting for the cause for so long.