November 10th: Self-Preservation

There have been times in my life when I knew absolutely… that I must walk away from a relationship.

Walking away didn’t mean that I loved this person any less; it meant that I could no longer bear the pain of the relationship’s dynamics.

While going through my divorce, there came a time where I had to completely let go of my ex-husband and walk away from all contact so that I could mend.

Each time I would have contact with him… I would be so deeply hurt…that I suffered again and again.

It was as if I purposely kept opening an old wound.

Recently, someone who means very much to me… acted very similar to my ex-husband. He said that he, “Didn’t want to hurt anyone” with his actions, but then this person continued to come close to me, then pull away, making plans and then breaking promises… until this back-and-forth behavior had worn me out, wounded me, and left me full of sadness. His choice to come in-and-out of my life with what seemed like such “ease of thought” felt, to me, like he had little regard for my feelings.

His actions, in my opinion, did not stand for “I don’t want to hurt anyone…” he didn’t seem to realize that he was hurting someone each time he did this… a person he claimed to love very much: me.

I knew, that no matter how much I would miss him; I had to step back completely from the relationship. The dynamics were not working for me and I would have to decided over time and distance, if they ever would.

Sometimes in life we have to take a step back and do what is important for ourselves. It is not a selfish act to need time and space to get clear about a relationship. I know today that if I step back with love and honesty… so that I preserve my emotional, spiritual, and physical health… and protect my friend’s feelings while gaining clarity… then I am doing a kind service to both of us.

“Dear God, help me to let go and walk away with love and honesty.  Help me to find clarity and to have the strength to stay away, with kindness, until I know what I can offer this person as my friend or partner.”

10 thoughts on “November 10th: Self-Preservation

  1. What a great post! I hope I will have your clarity and awareness as I meet new people to be fair to myself, and to them, about how I truly feel!

  2. This post reminds me of the chatter episode I’m getting rid of … I know that my ex would be in touch if I opened that door. And it was very hard walking away when we split up. The bottom line then, and now: not having contact with him has been a great part of the healing process. I haven’t spoken to him in 2 1/2 years. And there hasn’t been a need to. We aren’t going to be “friends.”
    And I have to remember that as I meet people, or end up dating someone longer term, that I stay aware of my self and not walk into a similar situation.

    • Print out what you just wrote and keep it in your wallet! LOL. You are EXACTLY right. Take your time choosing to date… you absolutely don’t want to walk into a similar situation. D.

  3. I have been reading your posts every day for several months and continue to be amazed at just how well you put my thoughts into words. My divorce will be final in three weeks and it’s been a month since my husband moved out. Ultimately it was I who made the decision to divorce. It’s not what I ever wanted but is what I want now. All the years of his drinking wore me down, but it was the year after he quit that finally broke me. Giving up has never come easy to me and it took another year to make the decision. It’s odd, despite getting divorced after 33 years together and several other huge stressers I am actually less stressed than I have been in years. Ultimately walking away has given me some peace.

  4. Helene, so glad you are here and that my words offer you comfort. I’ve been in your place. My husband left but after six months of living with another woman he made no strides towards divorce so… I filed. Alcoholics are an interesting breed. Once, when my husband and I were still together, he had fallen into a very low bottom using period that caused so much distress to our family that I was actually having regular bouts of panic attacks around midnight each night (the time I would usually find him somewhere using booze and drugs). I knew I would have to kick him out and let him hit bottom and so… I did. I slept so well that night… no panic attacks… no waking up… it was amazing to me how my stress was removed as soon as he exited the picture. He overdosed that week, got help and became sober, but the years following were difficult and ultimately led to our divorce. You sound like you are doing well… strong. My mentor once said to me that it was “hard to give the relationship up because I had fought so long and hard for something I should have left long ago…” Boy, did that hit home. I’m here for you… D.

  5. Thank you for you beautiful daily posts. I started reading them in 2014 when I left a 25 year marriage after realizing we were just going through the motions, the relationship had been spiritually dead for a long time and there was no way “I” could change it. I stayed for years until the children were grown, I forced him to go to marriage counseling, I prayed for acceptance and I tried everything to stay and make the best of it. Eventually I could not look at myself in the mirror anymore because I knew “I” was living a lie. Although I had to leave everything I ever owned, worked for, my garden, my dog behind I knew it was the only way to start a new life. Now in 2016 I know it was the only way for me. Life was very difficult the last 2 years and I felt pain that I haven’t felt since I was an adolescent. Today, I am growing up once again and have found a new life. I have not met anyone and wasn’t ready to do so until recently. I believe my higher power will lead me to another soul who is right for me when I have learned the lesson I need to. Bless all of us that read this and you for writing it. May we ll find our way, one day at a time .

  6. Vicky, I loved reading your message. I know how hard it is… and how hard it was…. we are in this together… all of us. It sounds like you are ready for your new life and I promise you, you will be lead to another soul that is right for you. Do the things you love to do, live your authentic life and it will happen. I’m always here for you. 🙂 D.

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