While going through my divorce, it was easy to blame my husband for everything.
All public opinion had been on my side… people were shocked that he had left such a good and loving wife… angry that he had abandoned me… upset that he had hurt me… and our children.
At first, I liked that I was being perceived as the “good one” and the “saint” while he was being considered the “devil” himself.
And… for the first year or two of our divorce… I allowed him to be the one who was handed all of the blame… my pain and anger too great to admit any fault of mine to him.
After many months of spiritual footwork, I began to be more honest about our entire marriage and my part in our break-up.
Had I been a good and loving wife? Yes… of course I had. But… I had to admit that I often took a lot of pride in being the one who was seen as perfect while he was seen as the man that would continue to fail me.
After awhile, when outsiders would accuse my ex-husband of every fault they could imagine, blame him for our failed marriage, I would say, “Marriages are hard… we both made a lot of mistakes” and stop the conversation at that.
Blame does not fix the problem.
Blame does not create a solution.
Blame pushes the truth away so that we never have to look at our part in a difficult situation.
By letting blame go, I was able to look at my marriage with honest eyes, learn from my own mistakes… and my ex-husband’s… and move forward into a new life where I would be able to focus on better spiritual practices in all of my relationships.
I know now, that I must take time to look at all sides of a situation… to try to understand another person’s actions instead of immediately assigning blame.
It does not mean that I condone bad behavior… it just means that I look at what may have brought on that behavior in another human being and did I have any part in the problem.
If I choose to assign blame… if I am unwilling to look at this problem honestly… I might make a judgement call that could impede my own spiritual growth.
“Dear God, help me not to make rash judgements or hide behind blame. Help me to have the strength to willingly look at all sides of a problem with an open heart and an open mind.”
Similar circumstances in my situation and how many friends and family either reacted, or saw the situation! Your post is terrific here. I know at some point people will want to say even more than they already have. But I agree, the marriage ending is my responsibility too. I’m feeling that I will be able to say that. Anger and blame doesn’t help with healing or moving out of the past.
There is a great line in the movie It’s Complicated… where Meryl Streep’s character says she didn’t have to apologize in the past because everything he had done poorly negated an apology and let her off the hook…. then she apologizes….. so good…. 🙂
I have found that when I view my husband as “the villain” (even though I initiated our divorce) it casts a pall over my life. This is in regards to our children and I find my energy drained – there is nothing helpful about those feelings. The antithesis of seeing myself as “the good parent” doesn’t combat this at all. I am learning to detach and just accept how things are without judgment or blame. It is a slow process. Thanks for sharing your insightful words!
oh honey i needed to hear this…i too am on 2.5 years of separation and love when i hear poor Catalina. I love that he feels guilt, i just wrote a blog of step on to stopping the blame, no more negative thoughts, blame is another great step…thank you. your blog is beautiful…i so love this site we dont realize how much it helps and you are an angel…thank you