March 5th: Hyper-vigilance

March 5th

I’m not always good at accepting changes in relationships.

I’m always the one to notice the lack of a phone call…

A change in the tone of a voice…

A moment where a partner chooses to be on their own when they have an opportunity to be with me.

At times it seems that I become a constant barometer looking for tell-tale signs of trouble on the horizon.

But now I have learned, after many years of spiritual footwork, that this is a normal behavior for a child who grew up in an unstable home: a home where each day you had to watch closely because you never knew when the rules would change… when a mood may darken…. when a punishment may occur.

This hyper-vigilance is both a character asset and a character flaw:

It makes me aware of my surroundings… it helps me to react when I feel unsafe… it is a highly intuitive honed skill that helps me to make multilayer-ed connections in life but…

at times my hyper-vigilance can drive others away… or cause them to become frustrated because each of their words, their actions, is held to close scrutiny under my emotional microscope.

Today, I must work to allow myself to trust those I love.

I must give the people I care about, the people that have proven that they are trustworthy, a chance to let down their guard and be themselves.

A missed phone call doesn’t mean I’m not loved… it means that maybe my loved one is busy, talking to someone else in need, or recovering from their own trying day and enjoying a moment of quiet solitude.

A tone of voice, a look, a gesture, does not mean the same thing in my present life as it did in my past.

With each new person, new relationship, I must work hard not to let the painful residue that clings to my heart taint our time together.

I must work towards giving people the benefit of the doubt and releasing my hyper-vigilance created by the chaos of my painful past.

“Dear God, help me to let down my guard with those I love.  Help me to move forward in faith and offer my trust to those who care for me and my well-being.”

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