When I was first divorced, it was emotionally taxing each time memories of the past would suddenly arise.
A specific smell: like my ex-husband’s aftershave or cologne could bring me to tears.
A photograph of a joyous moment in the past, could weigh my heart down heavy with despair, at the thought that we would never share a moment like that again.
A movie we enjoyed, a favorite place to eat, a book that we both loved, were all painful reminders of my broken heart.
Today, now that time has healed my pain, I cherish each memory as it presents itself in my daily life and rejoice that I have had such wonderful times with someone I truly loved.
There are many people in this world that will never experience the love I have had in my life.
These memories remind me of how precious and fleeting life is.
I must remember to live in the day, cherish my time with those I love in the present, for there is no guarantee of what the future will bring.
“Dear God, thank you for providing me with love. Thank you for giving me cherished memories that I can hold dear during the difficult times in my life.”
I’ve been reading your posts regularly, but haven’t made any comments since mid/late Feb.
This post literally hits at the heart of major triggers that have been happening the past two weeks. My ex has returned to the general area, in touch with some mutual friends and now I’m getting “fallout” that I knew would come — information, memories … good and bad, and dealing with feelings of the present. No one is trying to be hurtful, in fact my friends are protective, but I can live in a vacuum and let his life live on in my head.
Whether things go well for him or go badly (mostly the latter currently), I still stumble and get depressed.
I’m learning to move through these more quickly, but the fact is that life goes on, and I will hear things or even perhaps run into him sometime — so I shouldn’t be so angst-ridden.
It’s been going on nine months since our parting, and 5 months since the divorce, so I realize I have a ways to go. It’s so frustrating some days! Memories are wonderful, and they are also hard work at times.
Hi, Patricia. I always know you are there…. and please remember I’m always here for you. I know this is difficult. You know I have been right where you are right now…. I promise you that you WILL get to the other side of this. My husband was living with his new girlfriend in our hometown, we were both public figures so I would read or hear about him constantly. It wasn’t easy…. and no, you can’t live in a bubble or a vacuum but… until the feelings calm…. you can minimize…. maybe a breather from mutual friends might be in order. I told numerous people at the time that though I loved them… for now… I had to step away and find peace before I could reconnect. I know they don’t mean to be hurtful… but information given while you are still suffering is going to be hurtful. Stay in the present….. set goals for the future and just keep walking… you can do it Patricia. 🙂 D.
I have gone through phases at how i look at the memories. First, as you describe when sadness was the overwhelming thought; then anger and only being able to remember the not-so-good times. I have mot yet reached an equilibrium. I am happy for you that you have.
Hello Elizabeth…. yes… I began the process of divorce in 2001 and so yes… I do have equilibrium today… but in the beginning it was very difficult not to sway with emotions. I felt so overwhelmed, angry, sad, the feelings were unlimited. I was married nearly 20 years and it took a good couple of years just to mourn the loss of my marriage and wait for the tempest to calm… then, over the course of a few more years, and a lot of spiritual footwork, I began to truly heal. I remember people saying “fake it til you make it” and I hated that saying… it sounded so flippant. But I realize now…. that by taking small steps towards my future, building the life I envisioned even while mourning the life I had lost, I really was… moving forward even when I really didn’t want to… Today, I am thankful for the time I had with my ex-husband. I have compassion for who he is and his limitations (as well as my own) and I know now exactly what I want from a partner and what is unacceptable behavior from a mate and goes against my true path. I wouldn’t wish the pain of divorce on anyone… but I see now that where I am today… is a good place to be. You will get there… I promise you that you will. 🙂 D.
This reply gave me great comfort. Thank you for taking the time to wrote such a kind thoughtful comment. Taking the small steps (and acknowledging the steps) seems to be the key.
I’m here for you Elizabeth… I always have the time to respond. I remember how hard my heart hurt during the first year of my divorce… I just wanted someone that understood what I was going through…. 🙂 D.
Hi DD… Thank you so much for your thoughts. The dialogue really helps and your response couldn’t have come at a better time. I was so shocked to feel this level of pain this week.
Happened to see one of my friends this evening and it was comfortable to talk about some boundaries so that I don’t have to get too many “updates”.
Everyone really does care and wants to be protective of feelings… And memories and the past — Good times and tough times.
I’m glad you’re here and I’m working on being the present- you’re so right!
I totally remember those days, Patricia… they are hard to take. I am glad you are setting boundaries with your mutual friend…. they don’t need to be giving you any “updates” at this time. It is just too fresh of a wound… keep that cushion of safety around you until you get through the most painful part so that you aren’t rubbed raw constantly. You will begin to feel better…. you will…. it takes time… so cliche to say…. but it really does…. D.