April 5th: Divorce

April 5th

My divorce was a very difficult one.

It was emotionally messy… and full of anger, passion, fear, and pain.

I had spent almost twenty years with my husband.

I had been through a lot with him and put up with so many things that I felt proved my commitment and loyalty again-and-again and I was resentful that he was the one that was now planning to leave.

The worst part though… was that even when I was full of anger… seething with frustration… I was still overwhelmed with sadness… despair… that the person I loved so desperately wanted to leave me… move on… live life without me.

It was as if I had lost someone to death… but wasn’t allowed to mourn the passing.

My relationship was over.

Life as I had known it would never be the same.

I was hurt, wounded, and afraid of the unknown.

What I never imagined at that time in my life, was that I would ever be happy again or that my life would ever be better than the one I had fantasized for me and my ex-husband.

But time and spiritual footwork moved me through and soon… my foundation felt solid and now… my life today is one that brings me great joy.

The life that I live today… surpasses everything I had hoped for in my past.

My divorce became a gift… one that taught me how to move forward through great despair, broaden my perspective, use my strength to protect my own well-being and the well-being of my children, and reminded me how much faith I have in God’s Higher Plan for us all.

“Dear God, thank you for giving me the gift of perspective. Thank you for getting me out of my own way.”

24 thoughts on “April 5th: Divorce

  1. Your honesty touches me so much. Your heart is aching and raw with these words. How true about “getting out of my own way.” My voice teacher often tells me the same thing! Sometimes, it is just as simple as that.

    • Judy, I always held on so tight. Always believing that if I just got it right I could make him happy.. but I see now… that I would have sacrificed my entire life to someone who needed to learn to make himself happy. Today… my life is so much better and my ex is around often and still struggling with the same issues in his new marriage… it really puts things in perspective and reminds me how necessary it is to complete spiritual footwork to move on from the patterns of our past! 🙂 D.

      • Boy, you hit the nail on the head. My issue was almost the same – I decided that life was too short to devote my entire being trying to make someone happy who was miserable with his life. I kept trying and trying until one day I just gave up. I began to silently hate him and it was horrible. I dreaded hurting him, but felt that my courage to leave this situation would ultimately save my life. I am hopeful that he will find something better in his life, but his anger and misery makes me sad. Letting go of that is the hardest thing for me! I treasure your understanding.

      • I think the best thing about time Judy is that I was able to watch my husband re-create his old patterns with a new wife. I don’t want him to suffer… I don’t want her to suffer… but I was really able to see what was MY part in the break-up and what was HIS part in the break up…. it gave me the clarity to clean up my side of the street and change my own old behaviors! 🙂 D.

  2. I am so grateful I found your blog, it has provided me with a piece of driftwood to hang onto as I am encompassed by the swells of grief that threaten my being. I am two months into the end of my marriage. I read your words and they provide momentary comfort in the darkness that swirls within and without. So well do you express the despair, the hopelessness, the fear, the sadness and the grief that consumed you on your healing, and in this expression I find fleeting hope that I too will eventually navigate my way to a place where I may heal and let go. I move through each painful moment in search of myself in that place. I read your words and it is as if I am reading my thoughts and experiences of navigating through this divorce I never wished for and I don’t want to be a part of. And I know I must….
    Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have helped me see beyond the empty words that “they” keep saying, “it will get better” , and have given me something more concrete to hang onto, to trust and to feel that it can get better, with time.

    • I am so glad that my words were there for you… my heart is with you as well. I know how very difficult it is and yes… even when people offer comfort it feels so empty and hollow when you are lost in despair. It will get better… I promise you it will… just keep moving forward… have faith… I couldn’t have imagined how my life would change for the better…. I’m here for you. D.

      • I can understand how Meg is feeling, not wanting this divorce and trying so hard to fight against it. A week ago I called him, begging to be different, offering solutions to how I could make it work. It was with his words “It’s not fixable” I realized that no matter how much I wanted, tried, did different, did better, it would never be enough for him. The past was etched in WHO he is with ME and he couldn’t see any hope. It was in those words I realized that for ME…I had to let go of what I wanted to save and fix. As much as I want to look at the things we were together, the pictures, the plans, the dreams, I have to gently pull them from my grasp and say kindly…”let go, this won’t make you feel better”. Meg, hang in and know you are not alone on this walk. Much love. Tanya

  3. Thank you so much for posting this today. I am surrounded by people who have divorced and don’t understand why I’m holding on so hard. I’m not choosing this. It is being thrust upon me and I don’t want it at all. I can so relate to what you are saying and you have given me such hope that there is a better future for me out there. I can’t see it now, but knowing you found it makes me hope. I am trying to listen for God’s will and walk His path for me. I am so scared and I don’t understand why this is happening to me. I keep looking at pictures of us and wonder how I was so blind and where I could have missed what was wrong. I still don’t know what was wrong…and it makes me so sad. Thank you so much for this hope today. Thank you for your honesty.

    • Oh Meg I wish I could just reach out and hug you through the computer. I didn’t want my divorce either and so many of the people I needed for support were so angry at my soon-to-be ex-husband that it was VERY hard for them to help me. They were so upset that I was sad and hurt.. and that he had hurt me.. that they wanted me to get angry and let him go… it just didn’t work that way… it took a lot of time to mourn the loss of my marriage and my dream…. My life today is so much better than I could have imagined… so much better… I never thought I would get over the loss but I did… and you will too! Just keep moving forward.. it’s okay to be sad… it’s okay to have a multitude of feelings.. just keep going! Big hug, D.

  4. Tanya you are so right… when I was in that place I would promised to be different a thousand times but I soon realized that as a couple, we would just revert back to our old patterns unless we were both fully committed to a long hard road of change and it was hard to accept that my husband was not willing to walk that road with me.

    Thank you for being here today… and thank you for being here for Meg.

    • Thank you both so much. I know it takes two people to fix it and he says it isn’t fixable and says he wouldn’t fix it if we could. I am trying to figure out how to let go because I know I will begin to heal when I do…I just still love him and it’s been a crazy surprise. Thank you both again for your support.

  5. A gift… One of my friends has told me for months , that as I heal , I will see that my ex’s actions have opened the door to a new life that will be better.
    Turns out this couldn’t be more true!
    Over the past nine months with the separation and divorce happening, I just couldn’t see it and thought he was moving into a fabulous new life and I was left with a terrifying “blank slate”…
    That I should have tried harder and not just said “yes, divorce is best”.
    Turns out the issues we / he had and what he felt he wanted is virtually mirroring what he thought he was escaping. I don’t wish him ill but it’s not looking like utopia is his destination.
    The best thing I have is some decent memories and a new life in progress. I’m grateful every day!

    • That’s the funny thing… we project our OWN fears on their new relationship! She won’t make him happy either! He has to do the footwork to be spiritually sound. Pulling a geographical by leaving… seems wonderful at first… new life…. in the beginning it’s all “limerance” and “honeymoon” phase… and then…. you are right back where you started…. I’m so glad that you see it for what it is now… and that you see that you are so much better! You will one day find a mate that suits the real you and not the shadow you! 🙂

  6. Thank you.
    Ironic … After all these months got an email from him last night. It’s only related to “business” but it’s funny… Still triggered a pit in my stomach because I have to respond/ communicate.

    • Yes but remember…. you don’t have to respond immediately. I was told to wait 24 hours before even considering to respond to a non-urgent communication… just so I could react and respond from logic and not from emotion! Good luck. I know you’ve got this! 🙂

  7. Thanks for the advice & support.
    I need it!
    Made a very basic response if help or info is needed, and if not, a reply isn’t necessary.
    Trying to “protect myself” from any potential dialogues now or later.

  8. Well divorce is not a scarlet letter on my forehead anymore.
    I read through the posts .
    He hasn’t changed.
    What he needs resides in his own mind and choices .
    His life is sub par and she’s not the answer
    Guess we are the sum of our choices in many respects , aren’t we… 😔

  9. Yes… people often chase “the new” and the new is a temporary fix! Be relieved that you are not there to deal with that temporary fix once again… you have been examining your life… making changes… moving forward and that is going to make all the difference once you decided to be with someone again… 🙂 D.

    • I’m here for you! Every day. 🙂 Hang in there… I PROMISE you it WILL get better. I was married for almost 20 years and it was very hard mourning the loss of my marriage but today… my life is better than I could have ever imagined. You will get there…. D.

  10. A bit worried about you, no posts in some time. I hope all is well and you are enjoying a vacation on some island with no internet. I enjoy and relate to your posts so much.

    • Hello my friends…. Helene, your note meant so much to me… I am back… I became a bit overwhelmed and had to “regroup”… I apologize for my lapse because our connection (all of us) means so much to me. I ended up over-committed and off my schedule. As I was updating my posts this morning I thought… boy someone needs to take their own advice. And so… I did! 🙂 D.

      Patricia…. thanks for asking too… I’m back 🙂 D.

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