Navigating relationships is never easy.
There are always emotional dynamics to work through, differing needs for each person from day-to-day, and patterns from the past that often create trouble even when something seems new, promising or exciting.
I used to believe that if I talked about my concerns and fears and basically… each and every thought I had about the relationship with the person I loved… that together, we would work through it… be able to figure things out.
But what I found was… that talking about the relationship excessively only wore me out and left the people I loved feeling that I was a bit of an emotional handful.
I never kept their communication patterns or navigational tools in mind: I just wanted to fix my end… be heard… and do it my way… no exceptions.
One day, someone I consider a close life mentor said to me, “People spend way too much time talking about their relationships and way too little time just living their relationship. Why don’t you stop talking for awhile and just navigate your relationship day-by-day.”
At the time, it wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear but… after I mulled it over for a bit, I realized it was worth a try.
I really worked on my side of things in my relationships quietly for awhile. I didn’t share every thought I felt had to be shared. I didn’t force a conversation out of ego, self-esteem issues, or fear. I didn’t force a verbal argument or discussion just to garner attention and I began to see over time, that most of the thoughts I absolutely felt I had to share… ended up being completely insignificant in the grand scheme of the relationship.
I was astounded to find how often I used words to manipulate others, hide fear, push people away, or latch onto a sense of control.
Today, I still struggle with staying silent, especially in new relationships when fear often guides me, but I have learned to strive towards calming down, quieting down and letting my relationships unfold organically each day.
“Dear God, help me to decide if what I have to say will be of benefit to all. Help me to be quiet when silence will help to move me through fear and ego.”
Not only great advice but also sharing so much of what you’ve learned.
Coming through the divorce it makes me realize I could over communicate – which would really be sharing too much of my “self talk ” about fears, trusting, boundaries…
I have really seen a difference in my current relationship when I practice this! 🙂
The hardest part of my divorce is the hopelessness I feel about having another relationship. The fear of never finding someone. There’s pressure to join internet dating sites etc but the thought of putting so much effort and being disappointed gives me great anxiety. Trying to calm the fear is sometimes unbearable. I am so guilty of over thinking my relationships and questioning them to death our of fear.