I have been struggling with my own inappropriate behavior lately: my need for attention and my need to “fit in.”
Each time I believe I have these character flaws figured out… handled… the universe sends something along to challenge me:
A conversation where it would be so easy to gossip.
A chance to break a commitment or “create” an excuse to get out of it.
An exchange that becomes too flirty… too suggestive.
Any and all of these “moments” are driven by my own ego or fear and reflect back to the days when I felt the need to be:
Admired, desired, wanted and loved.
I am still surprised at how easily I can slip into old patterns caused during the stressful days of my difficult marriage and my painful divorce.
It is important for me to keep these things firmly in my mind:
I do not need to belittle someone else in a gossipy conversation to feel “better than.”
I do not need to lie to break a commitment. I can choose to admit, as any mature adult should, that I’m unwilling to keep my commitment and suffer the consequences of my action or better yet… follow through and then not make the same mistake of over-committing again.
I do not need to go looking for attention to prove that I am admired, loved, desirable or wanted. I should work on my own self-acceptance and self-love until outside compliments or insults do not rock my foundation or my self-esteem.
When I find myself struggling with inappropriate behaviors, it is time to admit that I have fallen away from my spiritual footwork, then forgive myself and stop that very moment, that very minute, and step back onto my spiritual path.
“Dear God, help me to focus on myself. Help me to work towards being the best that I can be today. Help me to be humble, kind, and have compassion for all around me including myself.”
After being married for so many years I feel very awkward at times “by myself” and understanding what it means to be myself. Finding I have to be careful that some of the internal chatter I still have doesn’t come out too much publicly. It can change my attitude in seconds!
(I didn’t see a place where I could just say I enjoyed the post – but I did)
Oh I’m so glad…. I’m glad that my words are here for you… I know how difficult it is.. what you are going through… D.