My emotions during my divorce often left me sad, lonely, full of despair but, there were times… driven by high emotion… when I would inappropriately engage in an angry exchange with my soon-to-be ex-spouse.
In the moment, to scream, to yell, to say all of the horrible things I wanted to say, directly to the person causing me intense pain, felt incredibly liberating.
But of course, after the fact, when the emotions had cooled and the battle was done… I was ashamed that I would behave in such a manner.
What if my children had seen our angry exchange?
Would I want them to witness my verbal abuse towards their father?
Would I want them to behave like this with their friends and loved ones?
Would I want them to learn from me… that it is okay to break all of the rules of kindness when we are hurting?
My acting out in anger went against everything I believed in the core of my spirit.
My aim should always be: to heal myself in relationships and not to inflict harm on another.
I do not have to agree with what someone has done… I do not have to accept poor behavior in my life.
But I do have to consciously choose to walk away from an altercation and put the focus where it belongs: on me.
It will do more damage to my spiritual growth, by allowing myself to become my shadow self and act out, instead of embracing life, and learning from my experience.
If I choose to engage… I am condoning this behavior and refusing to look at life from a higher perspective.
“Dear God, help me to not engage in angry outbursts. Help me to not waste energy that could be focused on my own healing, well-being, and spiritual growth.”
ABSOLUTELY!!! Thank you for writing this. I needed to read this! I feel like this sometimes too. Feels good in the moment but once it’s over I feel tremendous guilt.
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I don’t remember “acting out” or getting angry in terms of being with others, or just my general temperament , as I did going through the divorce
Venting a lot of sadness and frustration it turns out.
I think I was hoping is be heard, maybe solve some things.
But I agree, it was also time to back away from that and leave , and start healing .
I wish I could say the same, Patricia… but my ex often pushed me to my limit and I definitely acted out… not on other people… on him… I was just too livid at his actions and his verbal abuse to stop myself… I so wanted to take the high road but it doesn’t always work that way for me…
I’ll say… Pushed to the limit with emotional/mental abuse.
I felt cornered and also not willing to back down either.
Didn’t like my behavior but felt justified due to my anger.
Yes… I know exactly what you mean! 🙂