May 19th: Thinking before Acting Out

May 19th

My emotions during my divorce often left me sad, lonely, full of despair but, there were times… driven by high emotion… when I would inappropriately engage in an angry exchange with my soon-to-be ex-spouse.

In the moment, to scream, to yell, to say all of the horrible things I wanted to say, directly to the person causing me intense pain, felt incredibly liberating.

But of course, after the fact, when the emotions had cooled and the battle was done… I was ashamed that I would behave in such a manner.

What if my children had seen our angry exchange?

Would I want them to witness my verbal abuse towards their father?

Would I want them to behave like this with their friends and loved ones?

Would I want them to learn from me… that it is okay to break all of the rules of kindness when we are hurting?

No.

My acting out in anger went against everything I believed in the core of my spirit.

My aim should always be: to heal myself in relationships and not to inflict harm on another.

I do not have to agree with what someone has done… I do not have to accept poor behavior in my life.

But I do have to consciously choose to walk away from an altercation and put the focus where it belongs: on me.

It will do more damage to my spiritual growth, by allowing myself to become my shadow self and act out, instead of embracing life, and learning from my experience.

If I choose to engage… I am condoning this behavior and refusing to look at life from a higher perspective.

“Dear God, help me to not engage in angry outbursts. Help me to not waste energy that could be focused on my own healing, well-being, and spiritual growth.”

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6 thoughts on “May 19th: Thinking before Acting Out

  1. ABSOLUTELY!!! Thank you for writing this. I needed to read this! I feel like this sometimes too. Feels good in the moment but once it’s over I feel tremendous guilt.

  2. Pingback: Thinking before Acting Out | Missives by Michelle

  3. I don’t remember “acting out” or getting angry in terms of being with others, or just my general temperament , as I did going through the divorce

    Venting a lot of sadness and frustration it turns out.
    I think I was hoping is be heard, maybe solve some things.

    But I agree, it was also time to back away from that and leave , and start healing .

    • I wish I could say the same, Patricia… but my ex often pushed me to my limit and I definitely acted out… not on other people… on him… I was just too livid at his actions and his verbal abuse to stop myself… I so wanted to take the high road but it doesn’t always work that way for me…

  4. I’ll say… Pushed to the limit with emotional/mental abuse.
    I felt cornered and also not willing to back down either.
    Didn’t like my behavior but felt justified due to my anger.

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