Sometimes we end up doing things we never thought we would do.
As my husband and I worked through our divorce, I sometimes caught myself saying things that I thought I would never say.
I never believed going into my marriage that our relationship would come to this point.
I had lost all trust in my husband.
I had lost all respect and yet… I would call him on the phone and beg him to come back.
I would take on all of the blame of the marriage.
I would pour out my heartfelt feelings to him, hoping to get him to see how hurt I was and then sit there and listen as he responded with verbal abuse and angry words and yet…
I would still beg him to come back.
I could hear myself saying, “If you come back I will do this. If you come back I will do that. If you come back I will never act that way again.”
I will look the way you want.
Be the way you want.
Think the way you want.
I couldn’t believe that these words were coming out of my mouth.
What happened to the competent woman who had held a family together and had proven time and time again that she could make it on her own?
She was lost.
She was hurt.
She was in fear… afraid of the unknown.
She was begging for a man to come back who had never truly been there for her and probably… never could.
She was hanging on to the fantasy.
Believing if she just said the right thing, did the right thing, looked the right way, that the fantasy would come true.
She was begging for her own happiness, something this man was not able to provide her.
She was begging for this man to stop her pain, the same pain that he had in part… caused.
She was begging for this man to stand by her, when he had already left her behind.
It will not help.
It leaves you feeling less than and it gives away your power.
If you have to beg for something… it is not worth getting.
What you want should be given to you freely.
You should not have to grovel for love and attention.
You did not beg your spouse to marry you.
Do not beg to stop the divorce.
Do not sell yourself short because of fear.
Do not beg for the good life that you deserve.
“Dear God, help me to stand strong on my own. To know that when the time is right you will provide me with someone who will give their love freely to me. Someone who will never make me feel it necessary to beg for their love. Someone who knows the value of my love.”
I begged. It was pitiful and weak and ugly. I regret it. I’m still hoping the good life I want is possible and waiting for me somewhere out there…
TRUST me… it is… and try not to be so hard on yourself… it is easy to do when you are hurt and watching someone you thought would always be there for you walk away 😦 use it to remind you that you deserve better… and that you don’t have to beg when that person comes along who is REALLY worthy of your love! D.
Thank you for your kind and supportive words. 🙂 I have truly enjoyed your blog. Thank you for that.