Sometimes we get caught up in old behaviors.
My favorite one was “going to the well.”
I had spent years trying to get what I needed emotionally from my husband and…
Sometimes… I got it.
Sometimes… I didn’t.
He was never consistent with his emotions.
I never knew from one day to the next if he would comfort me or make me feel worse.
One day, a person that I greatly respect, said something that made me become aware of what I was doing.
He said:
“Your spouse is like your drug. He is very intoxicating because you never know what you are going to get. So, you keep going to the well looking for more.”
I asked him to explain his statement.
He continued:
“When you are addicted to alcohol and drugs, you go to the “well” again-and-again to drink or use and make yourself feel better. But sometimes… you go to the well and you can’t get your “fix.” You feel horrible. You keep going back hoping that finally… your magical well will be full again and when it is, the rush is so much better because you went so long without being able to quench the thirst for your fix. The agony of not getting what you want enhances the pleasure when you finally get it.”
He was right.
I was experiencing the negative rush.
A false sense of satisfaction.
I finally understood completely.
When I went to my spouse and expected sympathy and comfort…and received it… I felt great. It felt great.
But, it felt even better if he wouldn’t give it to me… if he made me wait for his affection, wait for the slightest bit of emotional comfort and then finally gave in… it would soothe me in a way that nothing else could. It would provide me with a false sense of calm until… I needed to go back to the well again.
I realized that never knowing if I would be soothed or left behind to feel miserable made my spouse a very intoxicating drug.
I gave all my power to him.
He had the ability to make me feel good or bad with his words and actions.
I allowed him to manipulate me.
I willingly went back to the well again-and-again to get my drug.
His emotional distance only made me want him all the more.
I was willing to sacrifice my whole “well-being” just for one drink from his well.
But I learned over time that the well would not provide me with what I needed on a permanent basis and would only cause intense pain.
And now I know: Don’t go drink from the well.
I cannot continue to drink sand because I’m so thirsty for water.
The well will only give a false sense of security…a false sense of calm until I need to go there again.
I will never quench my thirst from that well.
That well is a mirage that will bring no comfort or solace.
“Dear God, help me to break my old, destructive patterns. Help me to see that going to someone to meet my emotional needs when they don’t have the ability to do so, will only hurt me. Help me to find the strength inside myself to meet my own emotional needs.”
Daily Divorce Meditations 
I agree! The well has been my habit; my husband ( soon to be ex) a drug. I realized very recently that he was calling all the shots on communicating, portraying the dissolution of our marriage to our friends and family in a way most beneficial to himself. And I bought into it! When you refuse to give up on trying to be nice and accommodating, you’ve relinquished the power to start healing yourself. I have so much work to do in that regard.
You will get there… it takes time. I remember in the beginning I was so worried about how my husband was portraying things and one of my most trusted mentors continually reminded me to work my best to act from a “higher moral ground” and that time would reveal everything… time did reveal everything and all of the people that mattered… particularly our children…. were able to see the truth and reality of the situation over time…. Today… I still struggle going to the well in relationship… it is very addicting to chase a feeling… chase the past and want it to be the same in the present…. I’m here for you Patricia! 🙂 D.
This is so powerful. I relate to it as a “people pleasing” behavior that I have of going outside of myself to find validation from other people and worrying about making them happy. It’s so much better not to seek sympathy and understanding from that well. For me, it’s led to a lot of disappointment. I think your writing is beautiful – a well is a perfect metaphor.
Thank you Judy. It is so easy to think time-after-time that somehow you will go to the well and it will be different but it never is… just when I would start to get better… find some relief… suddenly… I would find myself there and then of course… hitting bottom again. I hope you are well and writing and creating your wonderful music! 🙂 D.
Deedee, I’m beaming to know you understand about my music. I continue to let it lead and heal me. If you ever are interested in recording one of my songs, I would be honored. 🙂
I know I wrote about my voice teacher and my experience recently of her recording a song, but I still feel like somewhere out there – someone is going to sing my songs in an amazing way for me. I’ll keep trying to be the one in the meantime. You stay well, too.
Music is my well now!
Thank you, Judy! I may take you up on that!!!! I haven’t been playing or writing lately… but I am looking forward to doing so. I leave for vacation August 8th and my guitar is dying to go with me! 🙂 D.
today my well is GOD, not some drug or person, He is always faithful, will never leave me, guides my day beautifully when I surrender and embrace his guidance. amen.
Yes our Higher Power knows what we need 🙂 Our job is to step out of the way and let it happen! D.