During my divorce, I would wake up in the middle of the night full of fear.
I would fear my own mortality, what my husband was doing and who he was with, being left behind without hope for the future.
The fear was so intense that my heart would pound, my body would feel the need to bolt out of the bed, and then… the grief would well up inside of me and I would cry big heaping sobs.
It was horrible to live in fear.
Fear overwhelms and controls you. It makes you feel that there is no hope… only despair. It keeps you out of faith. It makes you believe that you are being punished.
One night, I woke up and began the same horrible routine again. I felt the fear, I felt the need to bolt, and I felt the need to cry. But… instead of fighting it… I allowed it all to happen. I allowed myself to feel the fear… to feel my heart pounding. I allowed my body to get out of the bed, to bolt if necessary and then… I cried.
When my crying had ceased, I stopped… calmed down… and logically looked back at what happened.
Yes, I had fear about my mortality but that was a fear that I had long before my husband left home.
Yes, my body felt the need to bolt but that was just a basic animal instinct. I reminded myself that it is normal to feel the need to bolt when you are afraid. It’s your body telling you, “This is dangerous… you may be hurt… RUN!”
Yes, I had the need to cry but… who wouldn’t? I had been hurt. I had been betrayed. I had been let down by the person that I had given my love to.
Why wouldn’t I need to grieve? Why wouldn’t I need to express my sadness through my tears?
When I could calm down long enough to look at what was going on with my fear, I could see that it was really… a very logical, rational and natural reaction.
I was then able to take a deep breath, lie back down, and go back to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning, I realized that I had actually slept through the night. I had actually come to terms with my fear. I knew that I would feel these feelings again but now… I could look at the process that I was going through and come to terms with the loss of my marriage and my impending divorce.
“Dear God, help me to find strength in a moment of fear. Help me to calm my mind and find a logical and rational way to walk through the process and to become aware that it is a natural response that is helping me to overcome my recent loss.”