Waking up in the morning while I was going through my divorce was very difficult for me.
I would have a moment of quiet peace before the reality of my life once again hit me.
My husband had left me.
He wanted a divorce.
There was nothing I could do to change that fact.
It was what I believed to be the worst moment of my day.
It was like waking from a gentle sleep to a true nightmare.
I would lie in bed for several moments after my realization and long for what was no longer mine.
Listening in anticipation that his footsteps might once again come down the hall.
Waiting for a phone call to come where he would take back his decision and we would once again unite.
Longing was tearing me apart.
Longing was keeping me living in the fantasy.
These things were no longer a part of my life.
I would have to mourn the loss and move on.
I would have to find something else to long for, something in my present, or something in my future.
But, longing for something in my past would do me no good.
It would not bring what I once had back.
If I allowed myself to continually dwell on what was no longer mine, I was then only causing myself more pain.
From then on, I allowed myself a moment each morning to accept the reality.
My husband was gone and I was getting a divorce.
Then, a moment to mourn and long for the life that I once had.
And then… a moment to look forward to the new life that lay before me.
“Dear God, help me to let go of my longing for what I had in the past. Longing for something will not bring it back. Longing for someone lost will only cause pain. Help me to look towards my future and the happiness it will bring.”
Yesterday’s and today’s comments are literally in sync with my emotions right now.
When I am busy I can avoid many thoughts, but upon relaxing or early in the morning… Too early sometimes … I find myself drifting to the past. To still be with my husband is not the answer- neither of us want that. But I long for what was even several years ago- and I keep coming back to painful feelings … Why doesn’t he still love me? Why did i lose my passion for him and move toward such a sorrowful level of disappointment?
Does he really love “that someone else” now? I can’t grasp it yet. I feel as though I’m almost competing for that attention.
The past doesn’t equal the future.
Being in the present matters.
But it is a difficult and painful exercise for the mind.
I hope healing comes soon.
It takes time… and you KNOW how I HATED to hear that when I was in the place that you are now Patricia but it really is the truth… Try to keep your mind in the present as much as possible… I used to actually wear a rubber band on my wrist and snap it each time I caught myself falling into the “fantasy” of the past… I can promise you, that when you get through this, you will write to me and say, “My life is so much better today.” You WILL get there… just keep going! I’m here for you. 🙂 D.
Thank you, D. It’s been a rough afternoon. I’m going to find an elastic bracelet of mine … !
LOL! It works! I swear…. I caught myself obsessing one time on my ex 52 times in a 30 minute walk… yep…. 52 times slapping that rubber band! 🙂
I’m going to get a rubber band. Thanks. The longing is killing me.
It works Meg! Keeps you in the moment and reminds you to keep your head there as well!!! Hang in there! I’m here! 🙂 D.
Well it’s a year, and you’re right … It gets better . Time does heal.
But I’m still wearing that rubber band 🙂 – especially when I take ling walks …
Congratulations on the year mile mark, P! You did it… you just kept moving forward… I still use my rubber band from time to time related to MANY different relationships so hang on to it! LOL