When my husband and I first truly split apart, it was hard not to focus on what he was doing and who he was with.
I had been with this man for over 17 years.
I was 19 when we first got together.
I had worked so hard to put things right while we were in counseling… To find out that it wasn’t going to work sent me into a spiral. I remember my husband calling me on the phone. He was working out of state and that is when he told me that he wanted a divorce. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that the man I had loved truly did not want to spend the rest of his life with me.
I couldn’t believe that the man I had loved would call me over the phone to tell me that he wanted a divorce. I cried and begged for him to change his mind. He grew cold and angry and defensive. I became close to hysterical. I felt such a loss of control and my mind began to spin.
Who was he with? I thought.
Why did he want to leave?
What did this new life have to offer that a life with his family could not offer?
For the next few months, it was very hard not to live in my head and get carried away with my thoughts. It became so bad that I would look for answers to validate my fears. I caught myself looking through phone bills, credit card records, rehashing everything he had said and trying to see it in a new light.
What exactly had he meant when he said that?
Had he planned to divorce me all along and was just going through the motions of trying to make it work?
Some of my fears were validated. There were many discrepancies in what he had said and did. Did that help me? No. Did I feel any better finding these things out? No. Did it bring me to a calm, centered state of mind where I was focused on myself and my own growth instead of my husband’s? No.
The problem with getting carried away is that it only hurts me. I am the one who feels the physical pain, frustration, hurt, abuse, anger and sadness. Not my husband. He did what he did. There is nothing I can do about that today. I can not change what happened by looking for answers. I will never find logic in what he did no matter how hard I try to piece it together. I can’t take back what has happened. I can’t take back the past.
If I become carried away in real or make-believe drama about what is happening in the present, in my spouse’s new life, I am only sending myself into a state of shock, panic, and pain. I’m choosing to focus on him instead of myself. I am devaluing what I have today, who I am today, and what my new life will bring me. If I let myself get carried away… I am allowing myself to be abused. Not by my spouse.. but by myself. Do I want to spend my new life abusing myself? Do I want to spend my new life focusing on someone else? Do I want to spend my new life wasting time on thoughts that will only cause me pain? No.
“Dear God, help me to stay in the moment. Help me not to become carried away in thoughts that will only take away my peace of mind. I can do nothing to stop my spouse from walking the path he has chosen. Help me to focus on myself and keep my mind busy with the thoughts of my every day life.”