Sometimes, I would let what I wanted get in the way of what I really needed.
I had found out that spending time with my husband while going through our divorce was not helping me to move through my recovery. I still wanted emotional closeness, I still wanted our marriage to work. He did not want these things. He was unable to give me what I needed. Yet at times, I would cling to what I could not have.
My husband came to our home on Mother’s Day. I wanted to spend the day with my entire family. My family meaning: my husband, my children, and my own mother.
As the day went on, I found myself wanting more and more of what I could not have. I tried to be everything to everyone and act as if I was calm and centered. I held it together until the end of the day and then, I felt tired and worn out. I felt like I had been holding myself rigid all day long.
I went to bed early that night… hoping that in the morning… I would feel refreshed. Unfortunately, I woke to an emotional relapse.
It felt like I had been tossed into an emotional meat grinder.
Every emotion that I had been working through over the last several months was vivid and fresh in my mind.
I was raw.
I was crying.
I felt butterflies in my stomach and was unable to keep my focus for the day.
I knew what had happened. Not only had I held all of my emotions from the day before, but by allowing myself to slip back into a “comfortable” place with my husband, I had stirred up what was beginning to be put to rest. I put myself in a position to be hurt again. I allowed myself to suffer this emotional relapse.
I looked up relapse in the dictionary and found, “to slip or fall back into a former worse state.”
That is exactly what I had done.
I had set myself up to fall back into a worse state.
To stay away from another emotional relapse, I would have to consciously choose to stay away from what I could not have.
I had to consciously stay away from what I wanted.
I had to become aware that it was not what I needed and that it would only cause me pain and to fall back into a worse state.
“Dear God, help me to let go of what I want and accept what I need. Help me not to slip back into a worse state of mind. Help me to consciously choose to walk towards a better state of mind.”