I had always struggled with my belief in a Higher Power.
As a child, I was taught that God was always watching and that if I did something bad, that I would be punished.
I felt that I had to always be on my best behavior.
Each time I made a minor mistake, I would look up to Heaven and wait for the punishment to take place.
This vision of God scared me.
It created a God that I feared to trust.
During my divorce, this made it very hard to depend on my Higher Power to take care of me.
How was I to believe that my Higher Power would help me through this disheartening situation in my adult life when deep-down inside, I believed that I must have done something wrong to be punished like this?
The scared child that still lived somewhere inside of me, thought I must deserve this pain, that I was doomed, and it was terrible.
I believed that I could never live up to my Higher Power’s expectations of me.
I felt hopeless and full of despair.
I began to look at my own concept of a Higher Power.
I began to exam what I had told my own children about God.
I had told them that God was a loving, kind, and forgiving God.
That God would never leave you.
That everything would be okay if you walked your path and trusted that God was leading you to where you were supposed to go, and that God was always watching out for them.
Had I been telling them something I myself did not believe?
I realized then that I had to let go of the God in my past and embrace the Higher Power who had been with me all along.
The one who gave me my beautiful children.
The one who led me to the rooms of Al-Anon.
The one who walked with me while I worked towards a new beginning, kept me healthy for my family during these stressful times, and surrounded me with people who loved and watched over me during and after my terrible divorce.
Was this the destructive God of my childhood?
No, this was the loving Higher Power of my life that protected me as I walked through my pain.
I now believe in my heart and my soul that today, I am exactly where my Higher Power wants me to be and that just around the turn of this path I walk, is my new beginning… the beginning my loving Higher Power has waiting for me.
“Dear God, help me to let you into my heart. If I have faith in your plans, I will find hope in my future.”