I have never liked the idea of surrender.
To me, it always sounded like I was giving up.
Even in war, to surrender, means to admit defeat.
How could I surrender?
I had spent my whole adult life working on my marriage.
How could I surrender to my divorce?
How could I give up on my relationship?
What I found was that surrender is not about giving up, it is about giving yourself over to a trying situation.
It means that you accept that this is what the situation “is.”
With surrender, comes serenity.
When you surrender, you let go.
You stop fighting.
You stop the war.
It doesn’t mean that you lose the battle.
It means that you stop struggling against what you are fighting.
Surrender doesn’t mean you stop doing “the footwork” but that you let go of the outcome.
I found if I did not surrender myself to the situation, I was only fighting a battle against myself, a battle of self will.
I was my own enemy destroying my own serenity.
“Dear God, help me to surrender my problems to you. Help me to let go of the outcome and accept that what I need, you will soon provide.”
Your post today hits directly! I’ve been writing in my journal about “letting go” and what that really means to me and what I’m fighting myself about. – and surrender is so much of it! I can’t dismiss or try forget the past, but I can be thankful as best I can and move on.
It goes with what you wrote recently about courage — to accept change, keep moving, and grow past the pain and the problems.
I’ve been battling resentment, trying to compare my new journey to my soon to be ex, and trying to predict what will happen next.
Too much time taken on things I can’t control, and too much time taken away that will just absorb my energy in the wrong way. I’m ready to surrender — and hope my mind will follow!
Patricia your mind will follow. He is just farther along in the process and he is also caught in his OWN fantasy that this new person… this NEW life… will suddenly be better than his OLD life. That’s just not so… reality sets in… limerance wears off…. and soon he will see that he will STILL be the OLD him in a NEW relationship… unless he plans to really put in some time on spiritual footwork… nothing will change… and the odds of that? Really? You just keep moving forward on your path… do the footwork to obtain your personal growth and you will be SHOCKED and pleased at what the universe will soon bring you! Big hug! 🙂 D.
I thank you so much for your support and kind words.
I’m not one to give in to the grief I feel, and I also agree that the odds of someone changing that significantly ( he’s much older than me and set in his patterns and his “lifestyle”) are slim.
I do believe that if I work hard and be aware of my path each day, all will improve!
You will! You are going to get there!!!! :))))))
I needed this post today. Thank you.
I’m so glad my words were there for you today. You will make it through! 🙂 D.
Well, D. When I look back at these posts … What a difference a year makes. It took about the first 6 months to just stop wallowing in grief , and once activity , reaching out to such great friends, and getting a little sleep ☺️began, the clouds started to clear.
Oh and you are REALLY on the mark.
He was ahead in his “plan” and decisions , but the limerance turned to being trapped in his old patterns very quickly.
My gosh , I think I really get it now. I think I was grieving as much about the fact that I didn’t want to be with him anymore as I was grieving the loss of a partner for most of my adult life.
I think I’m actually starting my adult like now. :-0
I had to surrender … My longing for the past and that grief. :!
That is a HUGE realization, Patricia. Good for you! You are right on about grief…. it sometimes feels like you have been “robbed” of time… but that relationship now illuminates what you DO and DON’T want in your true adult relationship when it comes to you! 🙂 D.
I love looking back at the posts . The healing does come , and everything felt better , and more hopeful , once my mind was able to surrender the memories and grief to the “archives”.
Thanks again for the great posts , and wisdom 🙂
P… I’ve been thinking it’s time for me to extend it and do another year…. for moving on and dating…. so stay with me! 😀
Patricia, we have a new person here that could use your experience, strength and hope. 🙂 D.
Can someone please help me? My husband says he wants to divorce. And I realize all my pushes to talk about the relationship and my hope that I would say something that would spark him to change his mind only end up pushing away. So I am changing the focus to me. And I’m trying to let go of that control and I do see it is that now I didn’t before. But if you truly surrender and accept the powerlessness you have over the outcome of what you don’t have control of, how do you move through your daily life.?
How do I know what I’m supposed to do?
he’s not leaving the house yet so there is some place in the back my mind that says there is still has hope. But if I release Control of the outcome how do I hold onto that hope rather than giving up which surrender feels like sometimes. And how do I know if I’m supposed to be taking steps to create my new life as a divorced woman if I’m giving up control of the outcome because maybe that’s not the outcome that will happen? I feel like it just keeps piling and spiraling around. I just keep circling and circling and I never move forward. I feel like I’m in limbo. He says one thing but he’s not doing anything to make it happen, he only told our children he was considering that option but he’s making no effort to consider keeping this family together and helping me rebuild this marriage.
I pray that I find the ability to surrender this and let it go but I don’t know what that looks like truly. I don’t know what my behavior towards him should be. I don’t know how to make plans for the next steps of my life. I do believe there are plans greater than mine and that God’s work is being done for the greatest good, I do believe that. But it’s not like He gives you a roadmap as to where your life is going to go and which turn you’re supposed to take. And in the absence of that I feel like I’m just spinning. I believe God does not want this Divorceor. I believe also that he won’t force my husband to turn back to Him or our marriage. I also believe like I said that God will have a plan for me to come out of this I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do in the meantime.
Thank you for any guidance you can offer
I’m here for you! I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I have walked the same path and it is devastating I know. I can tell you this…. we are all here for you and you WILL get to the other side. All of the people that come to this site and read these meditations are in different stages of loss. When he is out of the house it will be easier for you to find distance and serenity. I tried everything to keep my husband and my family together but then I had to look at what cost to myself?
Set boundaries. If he plans to divorce then when will he move out? Be firm but kind. If he wants to work on it? Then he needs to schedule a counseling session so that you two can begin to move forward.
God sometimes tries to “get us out of our own way” so remember “God’s Will… not my will” and the answers will come to you. We are here… every day! D.