Once I looked at my part in the break-up of my marriage, I knew then that I was willing to admit my faults.
Many times during my relationship with my spouse, I had taken on the role of “martyr” and used my husband’s flaws against him.
When my husband had been active in his addiction, I had stood by him and yes, I believed that was what a good committed spouse was supposed to do but…
When he became sober again… I often used that “loyalty” to bully him and get my way.
If I didn’t want him to go out: I brought up trust issues created by his active addiction.
If I wanted him to help more: I reminded him of how much help I had given him, how I had shouldered the responsibility for our family when he couldn’t.
I had a tendency to use his weaknesses against him.
I felt bad that I had done this and wished that I could take back my prior actions but… I could not.
All I could do, was to willingly admit my own faults to my husband: I owed him an amends.
When I spoke to him, he not only accepted my amends, but made one of his own.
Admitting my faults helped me to learn from my past mistakes and work towards not repeating the mistakes in my future relationships.
Admitting my faults brought me to a new “peace of mind.”
“Dear God, help me to admit my faults without being hard on myself. Each of us makes mistakes in life, help me to learn from them.”
Yes, I see what you mean related to your posting yesterday and additional comments this morning. Thank you so much for taking the time to do that!
I certainly did at times make it very clear what I felt he was doing wrong, and what I was doing to compensate, or to help us survive.
I also apologized too much.
But I also agreed with him I was not taking blame.
Through the grief and pain all of that became very confusing to me.
And I was not shy about saying what I thought of him as a person based on many of his actions as we went through the divorce process.
I think that may have caused me more pain than him!
He was just trying to “get through it” and then get on his way.
I now understand where I will have the opportunity, in a new relationship, to be much more aware and prevent going to that “place” with someone I love and trust.
Yep… that is SO the key: Someone you LOVE and TRUST…. I would NEVER choose a man like my ex today… he fit me 20 years ago…. but today……….. no. 🙂 D. You will get there! :)))))