I did not come easily to the conclusion that I needed to define my own truth.
I had spent my whole adult life going to my husband for “truth.”
If he said something good… or bad… I believed it… heart and soul… his words became my truth.
I never looked at the fact that this man had a pattern of lying to me throughout our relationship.
That he had slipped back into addiction, several times, and often hid his disease from me.
It didn’t seem to matter that he had proven time and time again that he struggled with the character defect of lying: I still hung on every word, as if his words defined everything about me.
During our divorce, I could see his dishonesty. I knew it was happening yet… I still caught myself looking for him to validate my reality.
I would call him, expecting him to be honest with me, to comfort me and tell me: You were a good and loving wife.
Or… I’m sorry it didn’t work out, I know how hard you tried.
And on a good day, sometimes I got lucky and… he would say exactly what I felt I needed him to say.
But on a bad day, my worst fears would be confirmed.
You could never make me happy.
You never supported me when I needed you.
He could create my elation or drive my despair with his words.
It didn’t matter what he said, good or bad, I took it as the truth and it ruled my every thought and action and controlled my emotions.
I realized that I needed to work on finding my own truth and not letting another person rock my foundation so easily.
I thought about my own truth:
Was I the type of person that I had wanted to be in our relationship?
Did I feel that I had been a good, supportive wife?
Had I been a committed spouse?
Only I knew the true answers to that and if I knew who I truly was inside, that I had done my best with the tools that I had, then there wasn’t anything anyone could say, good or bad, that would have power over me again.
I had spent years allowing someone else to dictate what was real in my own life.
It was time for me to find what was real inside of myself.
“Dear God, help me to find what is real inside of myself. Help me not to seek confirmation of the person I truly am from another. Their opinions and thoughts have no hold over who I really am.”