September 8th: Limbo

My husband asked me for a divorce in January, we had been living apart since August, and by May of the next year, he still hadn’t filed the papers.

I didn’t want to divorce.

I had done everything in my power to work on our marriage:

I had gone to counseling.

I  had worked on my own issues.

I had maintained my health and my appearance and now…

I had to accept that no matter what I had done, we were still going to end up… divorced.

But, it was very hard for me to believe in the “truth,” that divorce was inevitable, when my husband continued to choose not to file the paperwork.

Every action on his part told me that we were going to soon be divorced, yet his hesitance to finalize the decision, would leave me with false hope.

I would believe that he must be having doubts.

That maybe… we would stay together after all.

The “not knowing” soon turned into torture for me.

It felt like our impending divorce, was always hanging over my head and that my  husband, had the power to make or break my life.

One day, we became entangled in a heated argument over the phone.

He was so terribly cruel and instead of hanging up… I listened and then I cried of course and fired back my own verbal punishment.

I was so angry at that moment that I suddenly knew exactly what I had to do:  I had to file the papers and proceed with the divorce on my own.

I hadn’t wanted a divorce.

I hadn’t wanted to file the paperwork.

But… by holding on to false hope I was living in limbo and driving myself insane.

If he really wanted a divorce, then I couldn’t stop him from getting one.

If he really wanted a divorce, then someone needed to file the paperwork.

The next day, I filed.

Emotionally, I felt better… and worse… simultaneously.

Better… because I had been hanging onto false hope and waiting for someone else to make an important decision in my life.

Worse… because I had not wanted a divorce, still did not want a divorce, and now… I was the one instigating the action.

I knew though, that living in limbo would only prolong my pain.

I could not make my husband come back.

I could not make my husband love me again.

I had to take care of myself.

Taking care of myself was choosing not to live in limbo for one more day.

“Dear God, help me to step forward when it is needed. If I am causing myself pain by living in uncertainty, grant me the strength to make a decision that may seem painful, but may ultimately bring me serenity.”

4 thoughts on “September 8th: Limbo

  1. Yes. I always say I was divorced against my will. After 4 years of having that same false hope you talk about I finally went and finished what was started and made it legal. When I got the final papers in the mail saying it was finalized I cried and cried for hours. 😦

  2. I’m speaking from a place of familiarity as I never wanted to divorce my ex husband but yet I decided to file and became divorce as of August 30, 2012. I actually pulled the paperworks after I filed initially but when I knew it was the right thing to do, I did it.

    If I can offer you some hope like others did for me, it is that this event will pass. You must hold on and eventually you’ll see and understand the truth once the grey clouds separate and I hope that you find some tranquility and peace as you move through this hard part of your life. Things will get easier and allow your mind to be peaceful and the answers will be clear for you. Take care and try to remain positive, as that is all we can do. If you believe in things taking place and accepting as they are, the struggle will be that much easier.

    I never thought I would say this, but I’m so happy that I’ve divorced my ex even as unfortunate as my circumstances were and I still never wanted to divorce. You have an entire online society that will hear your cry and feel your pain. You aren’t alone my dear lady.

  3. thank you miss thang, for the reminder that we are not alone as we move through this process of divorce, no one understands the hurt like someone who has gone through it and for all who share I am so grateful it made my day a little easier to keep moving forward and learning to take care of myself and know that there is hope for a better future. god bless.

    • Robert… I was HONESTLY just thinking about you and hoping you were having a good week. There is a better future… and I’m here for you as you walk through this… all my thoughts and prayers are with you… D. 🙂

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