My husband asked me for a divorce in January, we had been living apart since August, and by May of the next year, he still hadn’t filed the papers.
I didn’t want to divorce.
I had done everything in my power to work on our marriage:
I had gone to counseling.
I had worked on my own issues.
I had maintained my health and my appearance and now…
I had to accept that no matter what I had done, we were still going to end up… divorced.
But, it was very hard for me to believe in the “truth,” that divorce was inevitable, when my husband continued to choose not to file the paperwork.
Every action on his part told me that we were going to soon be divorced, yet his hesitance to finalize the decision, would leave me with false hope.
I would believe that he must be having doubts.
That maybe… we would stay together after all.
The “not knowing” soon turned into torture for me.
It felt like our impending divorce, was always hanging over my head and that my husband, had the power to make or break my life.
One day, we became entangled in a heated argument over the phone.
He was so terribly cruel and instead of hanging up… I listened and then I cried of course and fired back my own verbal punishment.
I was so angry at that moment that I suddenly knew exactly what I had to do: I had to file the papers and proceed with the divorce on my own.
I hadn’t wanted a divorce.
I hadn’t wanted to file the paperwork.
But… by holding on to false hope I was living in limbo and driving myself insane.
If he really wanted a divorce, then I couldn’t stop him from getting one.
If he really wanted a divorce, then someone needed to file the paperwork.
The next day, I filed.
Emotionally, I felt better… and worse… simultaneously.
Better… because I had been hanging onto false hope and waiting for someone else to make an important decision in my life.
Worse… because I had not wanted a divorce, still did not want a divorce, and now… I was the one instigating the action.
I knew though, that living in limbo would only prolong my pain.
I could not make my husband come back.
I could not make my husband love me again.
I had to take care of myself.
Taking care of myself was choosing not to live in limbo for one more day.
“Dear God, help me to step forward when it is needed. If I am causing myself pain by living in uncertainty, grant me the strength to make a decision that may seem painful, but may ultimately bring me serenity.”