I had often heard that forgiving someone was the answer to releasing your own pain… but forgiving… was not always easy.
Some of us have suffered physical and emotional abuse: an event so large, so debilitating, that our resentment builds until it consumes us.
We start acting differently; maybe choosing to stay home instead of going out, fearing that we may run into the perpetrator of our pain.
But the truth is… we become our own perpetrator of pain.
In the first months of my divorce, I was so hurt, so lost in my despair, so angry that my marriage had failed, that I could barely contain my anguish.
I would try not to lose self-control with my soon-to-be ex-husband, my children, my friends, but I was like a wounded animal, ready to bite, at any word, any action, I perceived as causing “more injury.”
The truth though… was that I was sad for my loss and angry at my spouse for causing me pain when I still held him so dear.
I was heartbroken.
Over time, as the “newness” of my pain began to cool, I was able to look at my situation, and work towards making it a better one.
One of the keys to accepting my divorce and moving through my pain, was finding forgiveness.
Finding forgiveness does not mean that we accept another’s wrong doing, it means that we accept that we cannot change what has happened.
To move forward in life, I had to let go of my anger and focus on what I could do to make the immediate future better for me and for my children.
Today, I am thankful for these painful experiences.
By walking through a difficult time I learned:
to show compassion to others in similar situations…
to let go of resentment so that I can heal myself…
and that giving it over to God… asking God to heal the wounds of my pain, led me to my true life path; one that now brings me peace and serenity.
“Dear God, help me to forgive. Help me to express loving-kindness and compassion in my day-to-day life.”
I am only associated with divorce via my parents’ splitting, but your meditations are very inspiring and offer a daily dose of hope and encouragement, as they also talk about things that do affect me daily. I appreciate that. Please keep up the wonderful thoughts (and amazing pictures). 🙂
Thank you so much. Your words keep me going 🙂 D.
I am wrestling with these very feelings daily right now — I’m working on letting go, but to do that, I must also reconcile it with forgiveness.
For me, forgiveness has generally been a black & white issue. I am not burning up time holding a grudge, but I’ve felt I shouldn’t have to forgive as I flash back to some emotionally devastating incidents.
Your comments are so helpful … As I think about forgiveness, I realize, however, that I am still carrying far too much resentment and feelings of humiliation. I did accept (and am relieved in many ways) months ago the marriage was over, and the divorce will be finalized soon, but I am still doing too much re-hashing of events. It’s clear the wrongs can’t be repaired and I have to accept them, and leave them behind!
I think I had to start by forgiving myself… I was so hard on myself! In the beginning of the divorce process, I wouldn’t forgive myself for being HUMAN. I believed that everything I had done had caused the collapse of our marriage… as time went on… I was able to put it into perspective… but I had to forgive myself.
I am understanding forgiveness more, and especially this week — it’s been a particularly rough time the past few days where I’ve had emotions well up that I haven’t seen in many, many weeks. The process of releasing resentment and sadness is so painful, and I find my self stumbling and wanting to hide, But, I had forgotten about being human, about forgiving myself. — you are so right.
Was reading more of these posts from last year…
I remember this time last year, this month, being the roughest – until I went through the holidays for the first time by myself.
Took a long time to let go of the resentment and to let go of the headache of “what I did wrong.”
What you spoke about here is much more clear to me now . I won’t excuse or forgive things that happened and the unnecessary emotional injury, but I do forgive and let go of the closure of the marriage. 🙂
What’s funny to me Patricia is that I have learned this lesson over-and-over again since my divorce. My marriage was not the only relationship I found to be dysfunctional… and there have been several relationships I have had to release that mimicked the dysfunction in my marriage. Relationships that no longer served me and harbored emotional injury. I’m so glad to see you moving forward in healing from your marriage. 🙂
I see where I too will need to be careful going forward in new relationships and friendships.
Still not ready to date but I don’t think there’s a hurry on that ! 🙂
Take your time… I waited a year! And it was still quite an event! LOL