When my husband decided to leave our marriage, it was difficult not to feel rejected.
For many years, I had depended on my husband for my validation.
At first, I thought… if he’s leaving… there must be something seriously wrong with me.
I knew, logically, that this thought pattern was ridiculous… but emotionally… it hit the center of my wounded core and I couldn’t shake my feelings of low self-worth.
I began to spiral:
What could he want that I hadn’t already tried to give him?
Would someone else be able to finally fulfill his needs?
How could he abandon me after twenty years of marriage?
Was our time together worth nothing to him?
I began to believe that if I had just acted differently, demanded less, tried harder I could have somehow changed his mind with my love and my effort but that’s not the way life works.
It took time for me to see that I needed to provide my own validation and stop seeking it from others.
If I was unable to see myself as lovable and worthy of a healthy relationship, it wouldn’t matter how much outside validation I received from anyone: It would never be enough to fill me up.
“Dear God, help me to find validation within. Help me to see that I am lovable just as I am.”
“For many years, I had depended on my husband for my validation…It took time for me to see that I needed to provide my own validation and stop seeking it from others.”
Powerful words. Deep truths.
It’s so easy for us to go to the “well” for a drink of validation…. but we really do need to learn that the “well” is inside of each one of us…. and that is where we have to go to find what we need. Often a hard lesson to learn! 🙂 D.
Rejection is something that I also feel competitive about! Why didn’t he care about me anymore? Why did he want to “go to” this other person? I can almost see a film reel in my mind of conversations where I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I had thought of talking about splitting up long before things really “blew up” this year — but I was afraid to, and didn’t want to hurt him. What a lesson. But, I’m starting to understand that the rejection is about what HE wants, and not necessarily about me personally as much as I’ve tended to tell myself. Trying to shed that internal dialogue about being dismissed or disregarded —
One of my dear mentor’s always reminds me that I stayed in the marriage long after I knew I should leave and that is often more painful than the actual “losing” of a spouse. It is good that you are working to shed your internal dialogue about being dismissed… it is a story we tell ourselves… that feeds the pain of rejection.
I stayed far too long and I can’t agree more. I think the majority of the pain is directly related to hanging on rather than just getting through the actual divorce this year. It’s almost as if I couldn’t kick the habit.
The internal dialogues are finally having less of a hold on me.
I’m trying to remember that I learned what I needed to learn…. D.
For me it was ignoring her affair. Lying to myself about it. Buying into the lie she was, and is telling herself, that they are “just friends”. And now that I know the truth, I mean deep down know the truth, there is a kind of freedom that I feel.
Sorry if this is a repost…
For me it was me ignoring my wife’s affair, buying into the lie that they were “just friends”. I hung on for a long time in the belief that she would stop the affair, and try to fix things between us. Just not meant to be I guess.
John, first let me say… I’m so sorry that you had to go through that… it is such a betrayal. I hated not knowing all of the facts in regards to my husband’s behavior. I felt like I wasn’t given a chance to make a decision based on all of the actual knowledge! I know that when my husband left me for the other woman… I thought things would never get better and that I would never get over the loss… well, I did. And my life is better today than I could have ever imagined. I’m here for you! D.
I still remember these feelings directly.
Our split was ultimately mutual but that didn’t make rejection go away.
I found that I had defined myself to such a large degree by my relationship with my then husband , I got lost along the way.
The early repercussions of that were constant head chatter about everything that had already happened , and trying to edit it.
I took some travel time recently and part of my mission was to see friends I grew up with, many, many of them, and to visit my dear family on my ex’s side.
They were stunned when they saw me.
The actual me is returning.
Some people stared.
Two years ago I was terrified and didn’t believe I was worth s*** . I thought they’d be looking at me sideways 🙂
I couldn’t understand how someone I was closest to basically didn’t love me anymore and did such crazy things.
He’s calling a friend of mine again asking what I’m doing and how I’m doing. He told them he “didn’t know how ” to call me regarding a death in the family.
He’s do out of touch he didn’t realize I already knew and been with family.
Told my friend there’s not a lot to do where he is now.
I think that’s called – the limerance is gone.