There are some people in our lives that seem to want to pick a fight.

They know us well.

They know our triggers.

They know just what to say to get a reaction.

During my divorce, my husband on his bad days, would say something and hope that I would “take the bait.”

If I did, it validated his reasons for leaving and it left me feeling shameful that I had behaved in an inappropriate manner.

After many months of personal work, I learned that with practice, I could choose not to engage.

Today, when someone tries to get me to “take the bait” I let it go, and over time, they realize they cannot get the reaction they hoped for from me… and they stop trying to provoke one.

If I truly don’t want to get into a series of emotionally draining ups and downs with another human being…. an argument that will only cause me to wear myself out, and will in no way help me to evolve as a spiritual person… than I must practice daily… not taking the bait.
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“Dear God, help me to see that a person’s words and actions say more about them… then about me. Help me to disengage with empathy and compassion.”

When my husband first moved out of our home, the absence of his presence in my day-to-day life was of course, huge but… what I hadn’t thought about… was how I would feel once so many of his personal items were gone: The bathroom now seemed bare without his toothbrush, his shaving items on the counter, his robe hanging on the door. The closet was now half empty and seemed abandoned and unused. Paintings had been removed from the walls, furniture had been taken, large gaps of what now seemed like transitional space lay everywhere around me. And though I was in pain, saddened by my loss I knew I must take to the task of making this place that was once ours… my own. I spent several weeks on this chore: organizing family photos, separating my husbands accidentally “left behind” items and boxing them to be picked up later. I cleaned out everything that was no longer useful from my past, and rearranged everything to start my future anew. I was surprised to admit it, but it was lovely to put all of my things, exactly where I wanted them, without concern for anyone else’s opinion. I couldn’t help but smile to myself with a sense of accomplishment and independence. Personal space becomes a home base of security and serenity when dealing with painful situations. It is the place we come to at the end of the day to feel soothed and at peace. – “Dear God,  thank you for giving me a place to live. No matter how small, no matter how empty… it still holds my faith in your guidance.”

Today is my daughter’s birthday and I was thinking back to the day she was first born.

Some people say after a divorce, that they made a huge mistake…

that they should have never married their mate…

And during a difficult time in a person’s life, I can understand why they may feel that way… But… imagine all that would be lost.

I think of my daughter, how much I love her, how she is grown into a beautiful young woman, and I am so proud of her and her life accomplishments…

And I am grateful that my husband and I had this child together and spent so many years enjoying our time with her.

I have learned that every person I connect with in life and every event in my life… yes… good and bad…. leads me to the joys that I have today.

Without my love and commitment to my husband… I would have never had the gift of my daughter’s love.

Without my daughter’s love, I would not have the joy that fills my heart today.
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“Dear God, help me to remember that there is joy in the smallest of things, that there is wonder in every life event.”

When we lose people to death, we take time to mourn the loss and celebrate their lives.

When we go through a divorce, we are often told to:

Move on.

Get over it!

Don’t you shed even one more tear for that ex of yours.

When I lost my husband… it felt like a death… and… it felt like I was unable to mourn his loss.

He was still walking around in the world… he had chosen to leave… I was left behind… shouldn’t I be too angry to mourn his loss?

The truth was that I missed him terribly despite the pain that we had just experienced together.

I missed our shared history, the way he could make me laugh, the proud knowing look that came over our faces when we watched our children at play.

It was a hard loss.

Today, my ex-husband stands in my kitchen as I write this… I can hear him laughing with our son, chatting with my mother… and when I step out to greet him, we will hug and laugh and remember our years together with joy.

In the beginning… remembrance brought pain but now… it holds us together as a family. And even though our lives are now separate… they are still connected through our shared past.

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“Dear God, help me to remember that all is not lost. That the record of our lives is still held in the passage of time and that it is safe and ready to be shared when the pain subsides.”

Every relationship serves a purpose.

Some relationships last for long periods of time while other relationships… seem to end before they even get started.

After my divorce, when enough time had passed, allowing me to look back in perspective, I began to exam all of the relationships in my life to see where they had led me.

My husband had been the catalyst towards my musical career.

My children had led me to want to be a good parent and a teacher.

My friends, my students, taught me to be present for others in the world, pass on knowledge, and have compassion:

Each relationship, serving a specific purpose, to lead me on my chosen life path.

Even my most difficult relationships brought me insight into how I wanted to be treated by others and how I wanted others to treat me and often…

by spending time in these difficult relationships… I was able to see how my “shadow self” would often become present:

How I might become obsessive or needy with someone who refused to openly offer support and love in a friendship.

How I could bully someone if I felt they had harmed one of my students or friends.

Observing a side of myself that I did not like, and that I hoped to improve, became obvious when I saw my actions repeated again and again within the confines of my relationships.

I learned that some relationships are “not to be” and are “not in my best interest.”

I learned that every one passes through my life for a reason and that they are a teacher… a teacher that brings a lesson that I must study to gain experience, strength, and hope… and share my growth and my knowledge in all of my future relationships.

It is up to me to find the “higher ground” when I am struggling with another’s self-will.

It is up to me to see the purpose in all of my personal relationships and embrace them.

“Dear God, help me to value all of my relationships. Help me to see the lessons I need to learn in each, and give me the strength to accept that people will come and go from my life, and I must find love and compassion as they walk with me or pass by me.”