Yesterday… I yelled at someone.

Had this person done something wrong?

Yes.

Was it worthy of my anger?

Yes.

Was it necessary for me to lose my temper, and act out in a heated moment and publicly shame this person?

No.

Sometimes, we act rashly… we react with emotion… or we wait until the “straw that breaks the camel’s back” comes along and then unleash our fury.

It was a horrible moment for me.

It was a reminder of how I often lost my temper in my marriage with my husband.

I spent the rest of that hour, hands shaking, trying to calm down and acting “as if” everything was okay… while everyone else in the room worked to keep the peace between us.

Sometimes… we try to justify our bad behavior:

Well, if she had been behaving appropriately, I wouldn’t have had to yell at her or…

If he had only done what I asked him to do, I wouldn’t have had to call him out.

But… when you use your anger as a weapon… an amends is in order.

I waited until we were both calm, and then, in front of everyone, I apologized for losing my temper as my friend apologized to me.

Our amends to each other was necessary and immediate, the bond it created changed our relationship forever in that moment.

My friend stood before me, hugged me, sure in the knowledge that I would never use my anger against her unfairly again…. and I hugged my friend, humbled by the experience.

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“Dear God, if I have harmed someone with my bitter words, grant me the gift of humility. Help me put my ego aside and ask forgiveness for my poor behavior… let your grace fill my voice with words of apology.”

Often, when I don’t want to look at the true problem at hand, I busy myself with tasks and distractions until one day… I find myself worn-out with exhaustion.

When my husband and I divorced… I filled my time up with activities to keep my mind occupied and away from the pain of my loss.

Many of these occupations were positive:

Going back to school for my Master’s degree.

Spending quality time with my children.

Putting my home and my financial life in order.

Learning new behaviors and working to improve my spiritual path.

But I also became quite co-dependent: distracting myself with other people’s problems and stepping in… expending energy… instead of offering experience and then letting them work through life steps on their own.

One day, I came home, sat down at my computer to write, looked at the screen, and felt as if I was going to collapse if I even tried to type one word.

I knew then… that I had fallen into a very bad place.

I was not taking care of myself.

I was winding myself up, wearing myself out to keep from experiencing my painful emotions and it had taken a toll on me: I was now not only emotionally exhausted but I was physically exhausted. It was time to step back and take a break.

At first, some people were upset that I was unwilling to offer all of the solutions in their situations. That I was no longer available for their needs 24 hours a day but I explained, that I needed to recuperate from my own loss, take time for my own needs.

I learned that I must take care of myself first before I fell into exhaustion once again.

The spiritual work I needed to do to move me forward on God’s path cannot be accomplished with a chaotic mind and a poor physical state.

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“Dear God, help me to take care of myself. I cannot help others on your path if I do not have the strength to carry myself.”

I once heard that serenity wasn’t having “all of your ducks in a row” but having all of your ducks scattered and being okay with it.

Well, I don’t know much about ducks… but I do know that when my world is feeling scattered… when I feel that I don’t have a safe harbor… an anchor to cling to…. my serenity is in danger.

Sometimes… it just feels like a run of bad luck… like I can’t catch a break no matter how hard I try.

I think I’ve done the right thing.

I think I’ve chosen the right path and then suddenly…

something comes along and “scatters my ducks.”

It can be quite disheartening.

I have learned that during these times of chaos I must go back to the idea of “One day at a time” and really… down to “One minute or one second at a time” if necessary.

I have to focus myself on the tasks at hand:

Getting up.

Making my bed.

Getting ready for work.

Showing up.

Doing my job well.

Eating, resting, taking care of my health until my serenity returns.

If I allow myself to become enveloped in the chaos… I allow myself to become scattered in my mind, in my spiritual beliefs, in my actions and I lose all sense of perspective.

By taking it moment by moment, accepting that things are scattered for now but, will return to a since of normalcy in the future, I can keep moving forward on my path and learn to find serenity when all around me is chaotic.

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“Dear God, help me to find serenity even when my world is full of chaos. Help me to find solace in my day-to-day routine as I struggle through these changes.”

I have a friend that means quite a lot to me.

Just last Saturday, he came over to my house to visit.

We had had a discussion about something I have been very upset about for awhile: His poor communication skills.

Not two weeks prior to this, I had approached him calmly and told him that his communication skills had diminished over the course of the last two years, that he had become quite horrible at following through with texts, emails, and phone calls or even a simple “thank-you” after he had asked me to complete a task for him or even offered him a gift. I told him that as my close and dear friend, I expected common courtesy from him in our relationship.

His response to me? “I’ve never been very good at this.”

Now, if he were a child, or a young adult, I would accept that answer and I would work with him to improve on this bad habit but he is a man of 52 and so it is not my place to “school” him.

I thought back over the course of our friendship together and remembered when he at least made the effort to call back within a reasonable amount of time, to at least type “Ok” to a response in a text or email and I realized that it wasn’t that my friend “couldn’t” manage communication… he had managed communication just fine numerous times in the past… it was that I had allowed my boundaries to be crossed, bad behavior to be accepted, and now his actions were speaking loud and clear to me: He knew that I would accept his poor behavior time-and-time again because I had shown him time-and-time again that I would.

What changed in a week to make me realize that this was no longer acceptable?

He let down my child with his lack of communication.

He disappeared after making verbal promises.

He committed to my son and then did not follow through.

As soon as I looked at the situation as a mother, I could see the situation in it’s true light: this behavior is unacceptable from a good friend, and definitely from a person that claims to love me and my family.

Will I say anything this time?

Probably not.

Will I expect him to communicate appropriately in the future?

I doubt it.

His actions have spoken louder than any words.

I have given him the benefit of the doubt one too many times and I now know what I have to do.

I have to change my actions and no longer accept inappropriate behavior from someone I love.

If he truly wants to be my friend, to be in my life, he will have to work on his end of the relationship.

What I am asking for is a reasonable request.

I expect good communication from my family, friends, even my work colleagues and he is no exception to this rule.

The response “I have never been good at this” is no longer acceptable.

And my acceptance of poor behavior, and poor boundaries on my part is no longer acceptable to me.

We must both work on our short-comings to make this the relationship it should be: one that is healthy and bound by common courtesy and good communication.

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“Dear God, help me to stand strong when I must change my actions for the better. Help me to understand that by being clear in my demands now, I will bring the best out in others over time or I will make new relationships that will fulfill my spiritual needs.”

I was once watching a television show where a character told another character, “Just use your imagination.”

And the other character responded with, “Oh no. My imagination is a scary place. I never go in there alone.”

I couldn’t stop laughing. Although I love my imagination when I am creating wonderful things such as; music and writing… I really don’t like my imagination much when it begins to run scenarios.

My mind can take me to some very dark places.

My mind can often assume the worse, refuse to give someone the benefit of the doubt, be absolute in it’s resolution that “I am completely right and you are completely wrong.”

Yes… my imagination can be quite the “scary place.”

In the past… I would take a worry and I would waste my precious time running every possible scenario from the best outcome to the worst outcome so that I would somehow feel prepared for what may lay ahead of me.

Well, there is nothing wrong with logically thinking something through but… when you spend hours, days, weeks, worrying about scenarios that will probably never happen… that is obsession and obsession is a waste of valuable time.

Spending hours creating scenarios that left me feeling helpless, hopeless, full of pain and suffering caused me to become worn ragged by fears that never came true.

Wouldn’t it be better to spend my time being productive? Helping others? Focusing on the positive and moving forward in faith?

Could the worst case scenario happen?

Yes.

Could my greatest fears come true?

Yes.

But how many minutes of joy, serenity, happiness, connection am I willing to give up by letting my imagination hold me hostage in my fear?
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“Dear God, help me to stay in the present moment. Let me see the joy in my world today instead of fear in what may be in my world tomorrow.”

In the grand scheme of things… how important is it?

This is what I think to myself now when I catch my thoughts becoming agitated and unruly:

How important is it?

Is this a major life crisis that I am currently worked up about or… a minor problem that will pass into obscurity over time?

How important is it?

Arguments, hurt feelings, misunderstandings can often be put aside if we step back, and look at the problem and decide… how important is it?

Does this problem really need to be solved or am I just wanting to fuss and vent?

Is this conversation an honest criticism with someone… that may help them to grow.. or am I just being snotty and judgmental?

Is this something that really needs to be talked about at this very moment, or is it something that can wait?

My life is full of decisions and I must choose each day to decide “How important is it?” before I open my mouth to speak.

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“Dear God, help me to be quiet and calm. Help me to think about my situation and decide if it needs to be discussed or if I can let it go and move forward towards more important matters.”