In the grand scheme of things… how important is it?

This is what I think to myself now when I catch my thoughts becoming agitated and unruly:

How important is it?

Is this a major life crisis that I am currently worked up about or… a minor problem that will pass into obscurity over time?

How important is it?

Arguments, hurt feelings, misunderstandings can often be put aside if we step back, and look at the problem and decide… how important is it?

Does this problem really need to be solved or am I just wanting to fuss and vent?

Is this conversation an honest criticism with someone… that may help them to grow.. or am I just being snotty and judgmental?

Is this something that really needs to be talked about at this very moment, or is it something that can wait?

My life is full of decisions and I must choose each day to decide “How important is it?” before I open my mouth to speak.

–

“Dear God, help me to be quiet and calm. Help me to think about my situation and decide if it needs to be discussed or if I can let it go and move forward towards more important matters.”

Sometimes when we don’t know what to do… it is best to step back and carefully… attentively… watch the situation unfold before choosing to make a decision.

Often, I can not be sure if I can trust a particular person, or a particular situation, until I have had time to study each closely.

Sometimes, a person might appear to be most wonderful. They may put their “best foot forward,” doing particularly impressive things aimed at pleasing me but over time, they may not be able to keep this charade up and the true person… shows up.

This “true” person may not be worthy of my time and attention.

This “true” person may not be honorable in their intent.

There are times in our lives when we run into people who do not have our best interests at heart and often, by taking the time to observe their actions over the course of several weeks, possibly even months, we then see that this person is not someone we want connected to us through a long-term relationship.

Sometimes, situations can seem exciting… a great plan… a way to get ahead… but once again, if we step back and observe… make sure that we have all of the details.. understand the logistics… we may see that this “great plan” is in no way “great” for us.

Observing is a way of assessing a situation logically.

Observing is a way to step back from emotion, waiting to react, before choosing with calm clarity what to do next.

This does not mean that we sit in “limbo” unwilling to make a decision for fear we will make the wrong choice.

Observing means that we watch, we wait, and after a specific amount of time that seems reasonable… we act.

–

“Dear God, help me to be patient and observe the world around me. Help me to choose wisely when creating lasting relationships with others, and searching out new and interesting opportunities.”

It is not always easy to maintain self control.

Situations can be infuriating.

Life can be heartbreaking.

Relationships can be devastating but to react with pure emotion, with no thought to logic or consequences, can make a horrible situation worse.

I have learned that maintaining composure at times of great stress and strife is difficult for all of us but, something we must strive for if we search for growth on our spiritual path.

Sometimes, we make mistakes; allow our anger, our hurt, to get the better of us and react to the offending person or event.

It is easy for me to be hard on myself when I fail and lose self control but each time I do… I am humbled by my experience and reminded how I want to behave differently in the future.

If we can find a way to exercise self-control, take a step back, wait before reacting, we can think through our actions and ensure that we are acting according to our “higher self” and not our “shadow self” or our ego.

–

“Dear God, help me to maintain self-control in trying times and heartbreaking situations so that I can make decisions that will heal and help all who surround me.”

Sometimes I take myself to a place I know I shouldn’t go: a place of self-pity.

Self-pity does nothing to help me grow, and everything to make me feel miserable in the moment.

In the past, I would often run to self-pity, look for it, let it consume me, and therefore, I didn’t have to look at the work I needed to do to move past my pain.

Self-pity is always a distraction from the work at hand and a way to live in our sorrows.

Today, when I am feeling sorry for myself, I allow myself a moment to grieve, a moment to cry, a moment to feel down, and then I do what I need to do to get back on track:

I call a friend who will offer me support.

I busy myself with my tasks and chores for the day.

I write about my feelings so that I can address my problems later when I am in a better state of mind.

I help someone else… and use my strength to help them combat their own pain and suffering.

Self-pity is a crutch that I choose not to lean on… a bad habit that must be removed… if I choose not to indulge in it… I choose to move forward with strength and faith.

–
“Dear God, help me to remove self-pity from my day-to-day life. Give me the strength to move forward with courage and dignity.”

Each day on this Earth is a gift.

Each moment a celebration of life.

I have often been surprised during the painful times by impromptu joyous celebrations that took the sting of my heartache away:

A moment with one of my students that made me proud.

A family gathering where everyone was lively and entertaining and the love could be felt throughout the room.

My pet, acting silly, or making a face that seemed close to human, sending me into fits of laughter.

There is much to celebrate in this world even when things seem at their bleakest.

It is our job to keep our eyes open and be aware of it.

When we are pained, when we are troubled, it is often hard to find something to celebrate. But if we have faith, we will see celebration, in even the most mundane day-to-day moments.

–

“Dear God, help me to celebrate life even in my darkest days. Help me to see joy in the smallest moment and celebration even when my heart is heavy.”

There are some people in our lives that seem to want to pick a fight.

They know us well.

They know our triggers.

They know just what to say to get a reaction.

During my divorce, my husband on his bad days, would say something and hope that I would “take the bait.”

If I did, it validated his reasons for leaving and it left me feeling shameful that I had behaved in an inappropriate manner.

After many months of personal work, I learned that with practice, I could choose not to engage.

Today, when someone tries to get me to “take the bait” I let it go, and over time, they realize they cannot get the reaction they hoped for from me… and they stop trying to provoke one.

If I truly don’t want to get into a series of emotionally draining ups and downs with another human being…. an argument that will only cause me to wear myself out, and will in no way help me to evolve as a spiritual person… than I must practice daily… not taking the bait.
–

“Dear God, help me to see that a person’s words and actions say more about them… then about me. Help me to disengage with empathy and compassion.”

When my husband first moved out of our home, the absence of his presence in my day-to-day life was of course, huge but… what I hadn’t thought about… was how I would feel once so many of his personal items were gone: The bathroom now seemed bare without his toothbrush, his shaving items on the counter, his robe hanging on the door. The closet was now half empty and seemed abandoned and unused. Paintings had been removed from the walls, furniture had been taken, large gaps of what now seemed like transitional space lay everywhere around me. And though I was in pain, saddened by my loss I knew I must take to the task of making this place that was once ours… my own. I spent several weeks on this chore: organizing family photos, separating my husbands accidentally “left behind” items and boxing them to be picked up later. I cleaned out everything that was no longer useful from my past, and rearranged everything to start my future anew. I was surprised to admit it, but it was lovely to put all of my things, exactly where I wanted them, without concern for anyone else’s opinion. I couldn’t help but smile to myself with a sense of accomplishment and independence. Personal space becomes a home base of security and serenity when dealing with painful situations. It is the place we come to at the end of the day to feel soothed and at peace. – “Dear God,  thank you for giving me a place to live. No matter how small, no matter how empty… it still holds my faith in your guidance.”

Today is my daughter’s birthday and I was thinking back to the day she was first born.

Some people say after a divorce, that they made a huge mistake…

that they should have never married their mate…

And during a difficult time in a person’s life, I can understand why they may feel that way… But… imagine all that would be lost.

I think of my daughter, how much I love her, how she is grown into a beautiful young woman, and I am so proud of her and her life accomplishments…

And I am grateful that my husband and I had this child together and spent so many years enjoying our time with her.

I have learned that every person I connect with in life and every event in my life… yes… good and bad…. leads me to the joys that I have today.

Without my love and commitment to my husband… I would have never had the gift of my daughter’s love.

Without my daughter’s love, I would not have the joy that fills my heart today.
–

“Dear God, help me to remember that there is joy in the smallest of things, that there is wonder in every life event.”

When we lose people to death, we take time to mourn the loss and celebrate their lives.

When we go through a divorce, we are often told to:

Move on.

Get over it!

Don’t you shed even one more tear for that ex of yours.

When I lost my husband… it felt like a death… and… it felt like I was unable to mourn his loss.

He was still walking around in the world… he had chosen to leave… I was left behind… shouldn’t I be too angry to mourn his loss?

The truth was that I missed him terribly despite the pain that we had just experienced together.

I missed our shared history, the way he could make me laugh, the proud knowing look that came over our faces when we watched our children at play.

It was a hard loss.

Today, my ex-husband stands in my kitchen as I write this… I can hear him laughing with our son, chatting with my mother… and when I step out to greet him, we will hug and laugh and remember our years together with joy.

In the beginning… remembrance brought pain but now… it holds us together as a family. And even though our lives are now separate… they are still connected through our shared past.

–
“Dear God, help me to remember that all is not lost. That the record of our lives is still held in the passage of time and that it is safe and ready to be shared when the pain subsides.”

Every relationship serves a purpose.

Some relationships last for long periods of time while other relationships… seem to end before they even get started.

After my divorce, when enough time had passed, allowing me to look back in perspective, I began to exam all of the relationships in my life to see where they had led me.

My husband had been the catalyst towards my musical career.

My children had led me to want to be a good parent and a teacher.

My friends, my students, taught me to be present for others in the world, pass on knowledge, and have compassion:

Each relationship, serving a specific purpose, to lead me on my chosen life path.

Even my most difficult relationships brought me insight into how I wanted to be treated by others and how I wanted others to treat me and often…

by spending time in these difficult relationships… I was able to see how my “shadow self” would often become present:

How I might become obsessive or needy with someone who refused to openly offer support and love in a friendship.

How I could bully someone if I felt they had harmed one of my students or friends.

Observing a side of myself that I did not like, and that I hoped to improve, became obvious when I saw my actions repeated again and again within the confines of my relationships.

I learned that some relationships are “not to be” and are “not in my best interest.”

I learned that every one passes through my life for a reason and that they are a teacher… a teacher that brings a lesson that I must study to gain experience, strength, and hope… and share my growth and my knowledge in all of my future relationships.

It is up to me to find the “higher ground” when I am struggling with another’s self-will.

It is up to me to see the purpose in all of my personal relationships and embrace them.

“Dear God, help me to value all of my relationships. Help me to see the lessons I need to learn in each, and give me the strength to accept that people will come and go from my life, and I must find love and compassion as they walk with me or pass by me.”