When I was first going through my divorce, while I was still reeling from my painful loss, it was easy to get into a “Why me?” mentality.
I felt that I was being victimized, abandoned by my husband, left to all of the day-to-day responsibilities of the family, while he went off to start his fresh “new” life.
It was horrible to feel so powerless… such a lack of control… and for me, a person who had always prided myself on being strong in emotionally trying situations, it was unsettling to suddenly feel so weak… so helpless.
But soon, with the help of trusted mentors and a lot of spiritual footwork, I began to move forward and away from victim mentality.
It started with my acceptance that I had no control over my soon-to-be ex-spouse and that the only thing I did have control over were my own actions and ideas.
And then…. I stopped waiting for things to “change” and started moving forward in my own life.
I kept my mind firmly fixed on the prize: the future well-being of myself and my children.
I did everything I could to become spiritually, physically, and mentally sound once again.
By taking on an active role in my emotional recovery, I soon left my victim mentality behind.
Today I know, that I am strong enough to allow myself to be vulnerable, and to learn and grow from the experience.
“Dear God, help me to move away from my painful past. Help me to find progress in the smallest mental shift from victim to survivor.”
My ex used to say I was the strongest person he’ll know.
When I first moved on my own I was so bitter and sad to start over, and I felt betrayed and basically stomped on while I tried to hold things together as we went through the divorce.
Oh he has a new life in place … Look what he’s done to me. How embarrassing, humiliating, and sad.
The last thing I felt was strong.
I was physically and mentally “stunned.”
It took some months to shut those tapes off in my head.
I’m not a victim, and I’ve been given the gift of an opportunity to establish a new life, doing many things now that I literally put on hold during my marriage. I had a habit of deferring to my partner, and that was not the best choice.
I have waves of sadness at times,but as the passage of time has helped the healing, I know I’m wrong to ever feel I’m a victim… this shift began to happen when the I worked day by day to slow the kind of chatter in my head that felt like I was living his life rather than my own.
Thanks for this…still working on leaving the “why me” powerlessness to fade into the background completely.
It is difficult at times not to feel victimized and powerless. Over time it will fade into the background, I promise it will. Today it is very rare for me to get worked up over my divorce with my husband… you will get there! I promise. D.
I appreciate your words of encouragement. Somewhere in my mind I DO believe them. 🙂
You will get there… you will… it took quite a while for me to recover from my twenty year marriage and the loss of it… I’m living a life today that mirrors who I truly am… and the difference is unbelievable. It isn’t as if I still don’t have problems, bad days, that is life… but the people who surrounded me are kind and loving and strong and help me through, allow me to break at times if necessary, and care for me just as I am. D.
I struggle in that place every minute of every day. I was left by my husband 9 years ago with 4 children under 11. He told me he never loved me and that he had cheated on me our entire time together. He moved on with another woman then stayed with her 7 years and now he is with another one. My divorce was not finalized until this past October. It was difficult for me to move on all those years because my husband continued to spend weekends at my home and we continued an intimate relationship (because he told me all those years that he was no longer with the woman he left me for even though he had been with her the whole time). He met the current woman the week our divorce was being finalized and moved in with her a month later. At Thanksgiving he told me he was so in love that he had never loved anyone as much as he loves this new woman. I am devastated and I cry all the time. Before work after work during my lunch breaks. He diminishes my existance and everything we had together. He says he only cares about our kids but yet he left me to do everything for them by myself. It feels as though the pain will never end.
I am so, so sorry. So sorry that you have gone through this… The pain will end but the duration of your relationship was lengthy and it will take time. Your ex is experiencing with this “new person” what is known as limerance… it all feels wonderful because it is new… it is addiction to “the newness” and once he tires of the new woman… he will move on again. Try to keep the focus on you and your children. Remind yourself daily that you wouldn’t want your son or daughter to grow up and be involved in a relationship with a man that would treat the mother of his children so callously. My ex-husband really tried to break my self-esteem when he left. I had championed him through many years and all of his struggles with addiction and when he left, he tried to make me out “the bad guy” to all that knew us. They didn’t believe it… and after time, and much spiritual footwork, I could see that he did this to try to create validation for his poor choices and actions. Every horrible thing he did to me… he repeated with his new wife. I learned over time that I did NOT want this type of man as a partner and I did NOT want this type of man teaching my son how to treat women the way he had treated me. You will find strength. Set clear boundaries… don’t go looking for pain… create as much space as possible until you heal and please know… that I am here for you. I have been where you are and I have come out the other side better than I could have EVER imagined. D.
I can’t help feeling that the wicked prosper.
Trust me…. they don’t… and in time you will see it.
My experiences have been right in tune with this dialogue.
I believe you , D, and all reading … Yes , they will repeat what you’ve experienced . You know recognize who they are , and who you are.
Move on . It hurts , there is loss, but keep moving .
Rebuilding a life is not easy , but it will allow you to flourish again.
Yes… exactly… today the life I have is the life that fits who I am. 🙂
These words help. And a year later, after significantly limiting contact, it is better. Seeing him and talking to him are still triggers that can send me into a pity party where I collapse into tears so I just stay away. It has been a very rough year and the callous behavior went from bad to worse for a while landing me in the hospital. The best medicine is prayer, staying away, and trying to visualize and plan a future for myself and my children. It has been very slow going but I know it will get better in time.
I hope you are feeling better. The stress of a break-up can really do a number on you physically. I was so worn and sick throughout my divorce. Please rest and be kind to yourself. Keep limiting contact if that is what you need… you will react less over time and the feelings will fade (cliche but oh so true) Find joy in the plans you are making for you and your children… know that you are loved 🙂 and yes… prayer and positive thinking will move you forward. I’m here for you! 🙂 D.