October 5th: Isolation

It’s easy to feel isolated when in the midst of a break-up.

It often seems that everyone is “coupled-up.”

That each pair seems happy and content.

That you will never find someone of your own to love; who will be a part of a new healthy relationship with you.

When everyone around you seems satisfied and at ease with life, it can leave you feeling isolated and alone.

When I felt isolated in my divorce, it was difficult for me to reach out and make social connections.

I felt like every bit of joy and kindness I witnessed when watching another couple “in-love” seemed like a slap in the face.

Where was my special person?

Where was I to find someone who wanted me?

I knew that isolating during a trying situation would do nothing more than drive my own sadness and despair so… I made a conscience effort to do the things I loved; solitary things… where I could still have some sort of minimal social connection to help me make it through to the other side… like:

Walking in the park…

Playing with my dog…

Going to the bookstore…

Exercising at the gym…

And during those times, I found that their were other people, strangers usually, also on their own, who would wave hello as I walked, stop to pet my dog as we played, ask me about a specific book at the store, or share a joke or a story as we worked our circuit through the gym.

And it was enough.

Enough to keep my bitterness and gloom at bay.

Enough to keep me smiling… even if for just one minute of that one day.

Solitude is good for the soul but isolation… leaves us lonely.

“Dear God, help me to step out of my own way and search to find compassion and connection in other human beings.”

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16 thoughts on “October 5th: Isolation

  1. The answer to, “Where was that special person?” That’s easy – the answer is, “You!” I agree that it is hard looking at others, but so often there are things we don’t see or know. That content feeling does begin with us in our solitude. Great post. 🙂

  2. Yes… that is so true Judy… we have to take the time to find ourselves again and know what we really want. And then… it seems people pop up that compliment the person you are today. I just love that. 🙂

  3. The dialogue here is so helpful! I feel very alone at times, not yet “lonely” – looking for a new job, trying to stay in touch with friends who have their own lives (and many, their own partners), and reconstructing life …. I’m starting to realize this is about putting me together and making choices that I have a say in! I hope to become a better person through this, and find my direction.

  4. I can’t begin to tell you how much you’ve helped me these past few months as this journey rolls on. Thank you, D, for being here and reminding me that I’m not sinking but, rather, finding clarity and sanity along the way.

  5. It’s great to look back at these threads. Feeling so much better now. Still adjusting to being “just me” but it’s comfortable and I’ve got the opportunity to do things with my life now that I had literally put on hold for years. Feel restless when I’m alone at times, but I know I’m in the right place. I had always been “a couple” for so very much of my life, I’m still figuring this all out!

    • I really missed being a wife in the beginning. REALLY MISSED IT. I remember there was a movie where a character said “Exile is hell to one who knows his rightful place” and it just killed me, during that time, when I would hear it… it was spot on. But after about two years passed…. and my house was all set up the way I wanted it…. and I could stay up and read or watch TV without anyone fussing… and people began to realize I was “available” and began asking me on dates… I really liked it. I liked having my way at home without any arguing and fuss… and I liked meeting new people. I still had feelings on and off about my husband for the first five years… but they just continued to fade over time. Today… I think about him briefly now and then but there is no “passionate” emotion attached (unless it’s related to him saying something to one of our children that hurts their feelings) I realized for me… that my marital compromise had NOT suited who I was as a person… and it did not suit the path I wanted to walk in life… the more time passed the more I realized how very happy I was… Did I and do I still have very sad moments in life? Sure…. we all do and we all will…. but I feel sound in relation to who I truly am and what I am doing with my life now that I am divorced. 🙂 D.

  6. I’m finally starting to understand this “process” and as time passes, the feelings do fade and there is peace, and a sense of freedom.
    In reading your words I realize that I’m just getting started on the way to rebuilding.
    I can’t believe it will be a year this month that my divorce was
    finalized.
    There are many more joyful days now but there are, and will be sad days, as well.
    I don’t think much about my ex now, yet I do care at times , and sense that he really didn’t make the best decisions for himself- he seemed to think they were “gold” at the time. He also hurt both of us terribly with his lousy exit from the marriage. He lives with the results of those actions now.
    I do too, but I suspect I have more freedom and also opportunity to grow and get out and live again. The whole thing is just sad sometimes , isn’t it !

  7. “I do too, but I suspect I have more freedom and also opportunity to grow and get out and live again.” Yes you do! Brilliant words… it is sad…. but that passes…. you will feel bad every now and then for what HE missed out on but be truly humble and grateful for all you didn’t miss! 🙂 D.

  8. Thanks so much for this post!!! It breathes life and hope into my sometimes feeling of hopelessness when I think about my love life. It has been two years since my ex abandoned the marriage (and of course he has moved on, moved in with his affair partner 1.99 years ago!!) and I haven’t seen anything in the way of a date or a partner yet. Yes there have been attempts from men, but none I have found appealing. I don’t want to settle for less than I desire. I keep wondering when that will change. My married or coupled friends remind me to relish in this single life while I am in it and I am doing that….but I get lonely sometimes….and then I start seeing the couples on Facebook, the couples on the street and it makes it worse. I know, I know, you can’t believe people are as happy as I think they are or they appear to be…but it still cuts like a knife when I see people celebrating the marriage milestones we would have been celebrating….but I am alone now. I know what you mean when you say you miss being a wife. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. But I do miss the companionship, the security, the “buddy & best friend” thing. I am working on being patient and trusting in God’s timing for my life. He hasn’t failed me yet!!! So until my Boaz comes along I will continue to work on me, strengthen me, adore me, be me….and just like the bee to the flower, those attracted to me will show up, I just need to be my wonderful self!!! Thanks forever and ever for these daily meditations. They have helped and continue to help me so, so much!!!

    • Hang in there, Lisa. I did not date at all the first year. I was too raw and wounded and I knew that I would just pick men that were “carbon copies” of my ex, which would have been bad for me. I spent time exercising, reading, working on my house and spending time with close friends. I realized that I had buddies and best friends around me and that they were much more engaged than my husband had ever been. I also booked massages on a regular basis which may sound silly but it helps to have a soothing human touch. Over time, the problem became I liked my independence and didn’t want to let anyone in! LOL Just keep working on you… moving forward with your life… remember your ex had an affair and though he may be with the affair partner… their entire relationship was built on a lie so if they do stay together… they are going to have some serious work to do to get over that hurdle and let’s be honest… if he didn’t do the work with you… is he really going to do the work with someone else without some BIG psychological and spiritual changes? I doubt it. I didn’t meet and fall for my new life partner until five years after my divorce and honestly… that was perfect timing… I had mourned the loss of my marriage, worked on my own spiritual footwork, and spent some time dating seeing what I liked and didn’t like anymore in a relationship. Give yourself time… enjoy your freedom. And wish light and love on all of those couples… you will be a couple again when you are truly ready. 🙂 D.

  9. These words are so encouraging to me!!! And yes I know the value of massages and a personal trainer now!!! How was I living without them in my life before?? 🙂 🙂 The soothing human touch is an added bonus. I know what you mean about valuing independence because I certainly do now. As for the ex, his ho-worker affair partner and his non-existent footwork, I am sure it will catch up to them. Karma, karma, karma!!! How you get ’em is how you lose ’em!! It was decided for me by the abandonment to do my spiritual and physical and psychological footwork in the beginning and I must say I love the end product so far (my family and friends do too!!). So far God’s timing for my life and His answering and not answering of my prayers has worked so I will continue to trust that when it’s time, I will meet him. Five years sounds like a long time but I will just use the time wisely and invest in myself and my photography (which is growing leaps and bounds since I’ve been by myself!!) and see what happens!!! Great stuff ahead I know!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 Thanks again for your site, the daily motivation and the idea for the God Box!!! You rock!!! 🙂 🙂

    • 5 years DOES sound like a long time… but I was “trying on” people along the way… it was a learning experience, a growth experience, and it was a good solid amount of time to really know what I wanted in a serious relationship. I had a 20 year marriage… so of course… I wasn’t anxious to jump into another relationship immediately. 🙂 Keep working on that photography… art is also a soul soother! D.

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