October 18th: Rememberance

When we lose people to death, we take time to mourn the loss and celebrate their lives.

When we go through a divorce, we are often told to:

Move on.

Get over it!

Don’t you shed even one more tear for that ex of yours.

When I lost my husband… it felt like a death… and… it felt like I was unable to mourn his loss.

He was still walking around in the world… he had chosen to leave… I was left behind… shouldn’t I be too angry to mourn his loss?

The truth was that I missed him terribly despite the pain that we had just experienced together.

I missed our shared history, the way he could make me laugh, the proud knowing look that came over our faces when we watched our children at play.

It was a hard loss.

Today, my ex-husband stands in my kitchen as I write this… I can hear him laughing with our son, chatting with my mother… and when I step out to greet him, we will hug and laugh and remember our years together with joy.

In the beginning… remembrance brought pain but now… it holds us together as a family. And even though our lives are now separate… they are still connected through our shared past.

“Dear God, help me to remember that all is not lost. That the record of our lives is still held in the passage of time and that it is safe and ready to be shared when the pain subsides.”

9 thoughts on “October 18th: Rememberance

  1. That was beautiful. It is amazing how the heart heals. I used to pray, begging & pleading to be relieved of my pain & be able to “let it go”… with time I found serenity and peace. I still let my girls know we are forever a family. Bless your heart.

    • It is amazing how the heart can heal. It takes time to let go but we can do it… sounds like you are in a good place and I’m glad to know it! 🙂

      • Thank you. I am. My marriage was abusive. After I accepted the divorce was going to happen and was at peace with it. He changed his mind and wanted the marriage. I had to leave all my things behind for my safety & lived in my sister’s basement for awhile. The peace and serenity I experienced is valued more then any item I used to own. I heart goes out to anyone feeling pain and alone. Have you found a good place?

  2. I am so sorry to hear what you had to endure and so glad that you found safety with your family. You are very brave and I admire your courage.
    I too am with my family… in the home I grew up in… and we are safe and loved. 🙂

  3. Very true post DD. Whenever anyone “loses” a spouse to divorce, it really is almost like the emotions that that person feels is as if someone actually died and there does need to be a grieving period (especially if the spouses were married for a longer amount of time).

    Some advice we give out to those who are really burdened with grief after/during their divorce is that rather than reflecting on all the good times which a person had with their spouse (which causes them to grieve even more)… that they focus on the bad things which ended their marriage… which in turn typically causes them to “get over” their spouses a lot quicker. -Daniel

    • Yes… you are absolutely right Daniel… remembering the difficulties helps you get through the initial pain… and then when you are once again on a solid foundation… remembering the good things helps you to see the relationship in its entirety.

      I now look back on my marriage and and thankful for what I learned from it… from the joy we all shared… but I also have enough distance to see that my husband and I were no longer suitably matched as life partners… in the beginning though… when the pain was fresh… I so wanted to “hang on” because of our shared history, our familiarity, and my inability at the time to accept I had to let go.

  4. I have memories constantly flowing through my mind. They used to be devastating, but now they are passing through, with some pain, and also more acknowledgement that I don’t have to try to mental “undo” the past. I’m doing my best to bring the best memories forward, and learn from my mistakes. I think I’m starting to heal a bit.

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