I can be very hard on myself at times, and was especially so while going through my divorce.
I was constantly berating myself for everything:
If only I had looked my best throughout our marriage, kept off that extra five pounds, exercised more…
If only I hadn’t nagged so much…
If only I had given in, been more understanding…
I could come up with a million reasons to tear myself down, beat myself up, sure that the end of my marriage was my fault.
Then one day, I was listening to a friend in pain, share her own doubts about her abilities. Each time she began a sentence with “If only…” I comforted her, was gentle, compassionate and reminded her that her divorce had damaged her self-esteem and once time allowed her to heal, she would be able to see again that it wasn’t all her fault, that she was a wonderful and lovable person, and that we all make mistakes in our relationships that we wish we could correct.
As I heard my words soothing her pain, I wondered why I had never been this kind to myself.
Self-criticism is a punishment I no longer want to afflict.
I have suffered enough.
I must find away to forgive myself, be kind to myself, and know in my heart that I did the best that I could.
–
“Dear God, help me to be kind to myself. Help me to see that I am not perfect, that I make mistakes, but that I must learn from them and forgive myself for them.”
Daily Divorce Meditations 
Can’t agree more! Learning to be better to myself … And it’s still hard to not look for a whole list of what I should have / could have done.
Patricia… so sorry for the delay in response. I hope you are doing well and that you are enjoying the holiday season… I really have to turn off my shoulda woulda list too. It seems my brain always wants to replay old scenarios with a different outcome! 🙂 D.
A year later I look back and also know how things roll for my ex.
Not so good.
Much that was sublimated with us, until later in our marriage, has surfaced.
I should have left long ago.
But pride stopped me .
I don’t mean the heroic type.
I was firmly planted in “I am my word. And that’s my worth.”
I know there’s mutual “blame”, but I realize now this wasn’t about me per se…
I remind myself that I left exactly when the universe wanted me to…. but I do know what you mean in regards to pride…. I’m sure he has some lessons to learn that he “put off” learning when he jumped to the new relationship. D.