When I was first out of my marriage I found the roller coaster of dating… the moments of anticipated acceptance or rejection too much to handle.
If someone expressed interest I quickly pulled away afraid of intimacy.
Yet if someone remained distant and detached, I assumed that something was wrong with me, or that I must be the problem in the relationship or that I had just lost someone wonderful and in pain and despair, would feel terribly hurt all over again.
I decided that the best thing for me to do was to wait a good amount of time, at least a year, before dating or becoming intimate with someone again.
I had been married almost twenty years, and to know what I would want in a future relationship during a time period that was punctuated with pain, despair and my mourning the loss of my marriage, would lead to me making personal choices that would be unsteady and might prove to be unacceptable over time.
I realized that I was dealing with too many emotions and that even the comfort of someone new could not replace what I had felt for my long-time spouse.
I found that though I was often lonely for a partner, the solitude that time brought to me was a gift.
I was able to heal, learn, and move forward on my spiritual path.
In that way, I became sure and ready of what I truly wanted to look for in a new relationship.
“Dear God, help me to embrace the solitude. Give me time to heal and the strength to move on.”
First of all, thank you for your comments over the past several days! I appreciate your thoughts so much!
I agree about waiting — and with the divorce so recently final, and only being out of the relationship for six months, I sense that it will still be some time before I can understand what it will be like to date again (I was married over 25 years). I have friends who contact me, I appreciate it, but I know I’m not “ready” yet. There are times when being alone, I do miss that “partnership” and my mind has to register that it’s gone; but, I know as time passes, I hoping I will be able to gain perspective on developing relationships with new people.
Yes, I was married for almost twenty years and though I sometimes missed intimate companionship I knew it would be unfair to bring someone into my life when first, I was not over the loss of my marriage, and two, I was still reeling, completely knocked off my moral and spiritual foundation as well as struggling with self-esteem. To start a relationship during that period of time would have not been in my best interest or the interest of the other party. 🙂 D.
Rings so true…