When my marriage first ended it was very hard for me to “let go” of what my soon-to-be ex-husband was up to.
It was almost an addiction: letting my mind fantasize about how much better his world must be now that I wasn’t in it.
I let my own life play second fiddle as I obsessed in despair over “his world.”
It took a lot of spiritual footwork and a lot of time to recover my sense of sanity and let go of my despair and see what I was missing: my own life.
Today, I still sometimes find myself spinning over someone else’s existence… someone I am close to in a relationship.
But now…. after years of practice… I catch myself quite quickly and reel my mind back to the present moment before I go too far over the edge.
I have to fight to let go… which sounds so strange…. but it is very true…. I have to train my mind each day to think positive thoughts, stay in the moment, stay on my spiritual course and try not to worry about what others may or may not be up to…. and if I practice this exercise… then I find myself letting go…. and my serenity returning to soothe me.
“Dear God, please help me to let go when I find myself struggling to hold on. Let me be brave and let me be focused on my own world. Help me to “live and let live.”
This post … I have lived and will be living all of these words for a long time.
It took almost nine months of separation and divorce final for five months for me to find a measure of mental peace and move on. I know the obsessing about analyzing what I did wrong, and thinking his life was all roses now were going to fade, but they almost left with a bang. I finally see that emotional abuse can create illusions. In fact his situation is eroding quickly and isn’t even close to what my imagination had created.
But I can’t be the one to help him down the line…
I cried last night when I realized I had shut myself away from friends and family for years. Thank goodness I’m on “the other side now” and can live each day with optimism and hope!
Good for you Patricia…… 🙂 And I love when you say “you can’t be the one to help him down the line…” mine tried to come back after his situation “quickly eroded” and there was no way I was going back down THAT road! 🙂 D.
Thank you DD. I know the path I’m on now is going to revive my life, although some days — or even events or conversations here and there — are painful. I truly did not “see” until very recently how toxic the situation was. Hopefully as I heal I’ll continue to meet new people and develop relationships where friendship and compassion will lead me to be trusting again!
You will…. and you’ll have your good days and of course the hard ones…. but the difficult days grow less…. I see my ex on a regular basis, about once a month when he is visiting our adult children… it is amazing to me how hard I tried to hold on to something that was not in my best interest. D.
I understand, and I’m so happy for you.
I have several friends and immediate family who just didn’t understand why I held on , or hung in, for so many years — and frankly I just didn’t see the reality until very recently. It’s a relief ☺️
Well…. it’s hard… when love and history come into play…. I’m so glad you are moving through this… but I always knew you WOULD! 🙂 D.
Letting go takes time. It sounds like you’re doing great at accepting your feelings and trying to focus on your well-being. I’m going through a painful breakup, and I notice that the obsession over how my ex seems to not care how much he hurt me (cheated), and I obsess over him and the other girl. I’ve realized that obsessing over it only hurts me more, and I have to learn to let go of those thoughts.
Rebecca I know how hard this is for you. I was with my husband for almost 20 years and it took quite awhile to get over it. At first… my focus was constantly on him… the other woman… his callous nature towards me and our children… but as I worked on myself… and made a conscience effort to move forward it began to change. People used to say to me… “You need to give this time” and I thought it was so cliche and flippant… but as I moved through to the other side… I saw that they were absolutely right. Time makes all the difference. The wonderful thing about this? You now have the opportunity to re-create your life to the life you really want. After my break up, I went back to school and finished my Master’s and my National Board… went back to my music and my writing and found a peace of mind that I had not had for years with my former spouse. Know that I am here for you and that you will make it through this… D.
I so needed this today as I am sitting here worried about someone I am close to wondering what it is going to be or not be. I find my mind constantly worried more about him than myself. That he will meet someone and leave me in the dust when in reality if that is the way it is supposed to be then it will be.
Oh I feel for you… but let me tell you a little story… I let go of my husband and imagined EVERYTHING would be different with this new fantasy woman he would find. She would make him into the better man… the man I could not make him into during the 20 years we were together. He did meet a new woman and today… he is still with that other woman and nothing has changed. He cheated on her… he caused her pain… he is still struggling with addiction…. and we have to learn to let it go. It is hard to let go when we have stayed in a relationship long past the day we should have left to protect ourselves. But when you catch yourself thinking more about the other person… it is time to step back and begin to care for yourself. Hang in there… I’m here for you! D.
This is a somewhat new relationship that has been dragging on for a year and a half. Both of us divorced around the same time and have known each other for years. He has major trauma from his divorce and I have listened to it for way too long. He needs to move forward and not live in the past but we all move at our own pace. It is hard to find a connection and hard to let go but it is causing me way too much emotional distress.
I completely understand… I went through that when dating after my divorce. When I went through my divorce I did not date the first year… just focused on closure and deciding what I really wanted in a new relationship. I think you’ve got your own answer here: “It’s causing me way too much emotional distress”
Step back… set boundaries… take care of you… I PROMISE you YOU will feel better and if it is meant to be… you two will end up together at a later date once he’s made it through to the other side of his trauma.