During my divorce, I was so afraid of losing my husband that I often acted out in angry exchanges.
I would start our conversations, in person, on the phone, with the intent of being kind, calm, ready to listen, but…
Once I realized that he was unwilling to give-in, to come back, to work on the marriage, my fear would rise and anger would set in.
I felt like a wounded animal, trapped with no escape, and all I had left to save myself?
My bark and my bite.
The conversations would always end poorly and I would be left feeling shameful regarding my behavior, and heartbroken that once again I had reacted and let my fear consume me.
I was unable to follow one of the most well-known spiritual slogans:
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
What I really wanted to tell my husband was that I was scared… frightened… still in love… so hurt by his decision that I hid it behind my angry words.
Today, I still hide my fear behind my anger and it is a daily struggle to react appropriately when I am fearful that I will lose someone I love dearly.
But now… I do have enough time and spiritual footwork under my belt to make an amends when my behavior has been less than stellar and share the truth, as soon as possible, with the one I love:
I’m afraid to be hurt again.
I feel vulnerable in this relationship.
I will work towards expressing my emotions in a kinder way.
And though it may not always change the outcome of the situation, I know that my side of the street is clean and that my amends is honest and heartfelt.
“Dear God, help me to be true to my emotions. Help me to be honest about my fear of vulnerability in a relationship.”