Change is never easy for me.
Even when I know it is for the best.
I am a creature of habit.
I like to keep those I love close to me.
I don’t like when circumstances arise that create distance and change the mood of a relationship.
I tend to react.
I tend to become afraid.
Even when I believe in my Higher Power’s plan… there is still… something… inside of me that worries like a fearful child: I want to clutch tightly at what is mine.
One of my most trusted friends said to me the other day, “Have you ever been in a row boat?”
I wasn’t sure what this topic had to do with change, but I was willing to listen.
“When you are on one side of the boat,” she said. “And someone is riding along with you on the other side of the boat…. you float smoothly… in perfect balance.”
I imagined the image of this row boat in my mind. I pictured the glassy river, the calm of the air, two people riding peacefully along side-by-side and I let myself become quiet.
“Now what happens when you try to cross over to the other side of that boat and sit very, very close to the person you are with?” She asked.
I couldn’t stop myself from laughing out loud… her image was so crystal clear.
“We tip!” I said.
I haven’t been able to let the image go all week and to be honest, I doubt I ever will.
Whenever I react… try to hold someone close…. reach to grab on… push and beg… I am putting myself in a position to “tip” my own boat.
In situations where a relationship is in the process of change, it is better for me to stay on “my side of the boat” keep my life in balance and hope that we will once again find our mooring: our shared togetherness.
“Dear God, help me to understand when change surrounds me. Help me to look at it with a calm mind and a kind heart.”
I like the metaphor of the row boat. I am realizing more and more how I allowed my marriage to carry my identity, to the point of being not only living a life out of balance, but I was almost consumed with fear of change. I clung to being a partner for years, thinking I could make things “better”, when change and letting go of the fear of being me, actually myself, was going to be one of the agents of healing.
“could make things better” yes…. that was my mode of operation as well… if I just try this if we just do that… repeating the same thing and expecting it to be different… (sigh)