May 9th: Honesty

Camie Gross Dean May 8th

Being completely honest with myself is not always easy.

There are times when I hide behind the denial of the truth… unwilling to accept the reality of a situation.

During my divorce… I found it very hard to be honest about the painful experience that lay in front of me.

I wouldn’t accept that my marriage was over… and I was sure that if I just kept pushing for the outcome I desired… it would somehow magically work.

It didn’t.

After a period of time, I was able to put my fantasy aside and embrace honesty.
I started by accepting the situation and admitting that we were not going to be able to reconcile our differences.

I then focused on my own spiritual footwork so that I could move through my emotions and evaluate my part, my responsibility in our break up.

Finally, I worked to be honest with my family and friends: it was difficult to say out loud to others: I’m getting a divorce.

I felt embarrassed.

I felt like a failure.

But over time I realized that I was not the only one who had suffered a great loss through divorce and that there were so many people ready and willing to share their own experience, hope and kind words.

Honesty is telling myself the truth.

Honesty is being straightforward in my conduct.

Honest is embracing my integrity.

To move through my pain I must first be completely honest with myself.

_

“Dear God, help me to be honest when I am afraid. Help me to look at the reality of the situation when it is difficult to do so.”

photo credit: Camie Dean Gross

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3 thoughts on “May 9th: Honesty

  1. Just wrote in my journal this morning, and with all the crazy things that happened this week I was ranting to myself about “move on “! “accept what is”! “why am I giving the past & my ex the energy of my thoughts?!” etc., and then saw your post today!
    It’s been a week of really releasing anger, and allowing myself to get off that “obsessive thoughts” train! In other words, be honest with myself … finally.
    You mentioned acceptance — I have been wrestling with it because I didn’t want to have to start over, I didn’t want to not have a “partner” to share with, I didn’t want to leave my home, and I didn’t want to admit that I’d like to hear from my ex “I’m sorry”, so that I could say “go to hell.”
    And, I also, early on, I found it hard to tell people we were getting a divorce. I was embarrassed about how things were BEFORE the divorce, but then to have to “admit failure”, or so it seemed, was lousy.
    It was so hard at that time to admit the truth to myself so that I could be better to those around me and let them care. And to be better to myself too.
    I finally had an “ah-ha” last night that I can build my own life successfully now and that there was nothing left of the marriage, and time to let that go.

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