When my husband and I divorced, I so longed for his return… for things to be different.
The people closest to me tried to be sympathetic to my feelings, but they were unable to understand my ache for him… they were all too upset… too angry at how he had ended our marriage.
And yes… it was not the best way to end things… but I found it hard to hold any anger against him when the pain, emotion, inner turmoil I felt was focused on the fact that he had chosen to leave me and share his life with someone else.
I wasn’t angry… I was profoundly sad.
I couldn’t imagine him giving up our life together.
It took time for me to adjust to life without him.
It took time for my longing to dissipate.
It took time for me to accept that I was no longer his wife and our sole contact would be related to our children.
It wasn’t easy but today… my time with my former husband is enough.
Our shared history lives in the memories of our children, and the conversations that we still have as a family.
Today, I rarely long for my past, I have perspective and work to live in the day.
“Dear God, help me to accept change. Help me to let go with kindness.”
I could have written this myself. I am dealing with so many emotions i today and crying as I type this. I am having a hard time with the fact that my husband, the one I devoted my world to gave up the life we had together. He left me for OW and her kids, he left our kids and now a baby will be born any day now with her. How could he do this to me? Why wasn’t I good enough? I am devastated and can’t function. I am not adjusting well without him, my heart aches for him and there is nothing I can do about it. He made choices for us that I didn’t want, he made plans for himself and left me barely hanging on to the life raft.
I so remember this Kae… your story is so very similar to my own…. I’m so sorry you are in pain. You are good enough. He was the one that quit the marriage not you. He is the one that is making the choice to leave not you. Time will carry you through this and when you get to the other side I promise you…. it will be better. I’m here for you! D.
Time is the hardest thing to endure when you are hurt and sad from the overwhelming loss of what no longer is…what no longer will be. But time is what it takes and although you don’t see it in a day or a week, you catch a glimpse of it in a month…and another showing of it the next month down the road. Being where I don’t want to be and knowing there is nothing I can do…nothing anyone can do to change it… has been the hardest thing to accept. At times I still do not want to accept it, but I do. I tell myself this is what now is…and I hold tight… telling myself and beginning to believe that “I am good enough”. What a weary road to walk this is…the devastation and sleepless nights, the gnawing at my soul, the wondering if I will ever be whole again. And as I write this…I can now say that although I am not there fully…I know that if I hang on I will get there. I was not able to say this last month with any certainty… so I have come to trust that time will heal…that time will move me to a place that nurtures me. I still sit and spend this long weekend alone and can feel the longing…remembering what no longer is…but I also sit alone and have the beginning of the understanding that I will be okay. Time….
You are so right…. you will get there and the fact that you can see that now already shows how far you have come on this long, difficult walk. I agree with you that one of the most difficult things I had to accept is that I didn’t like the place I was in… and I could do nothing but work on myself and wait for time to heal my heart and move me through the pain. I’m so glad you see now that you will be okay… I promise you.. as some who has walked the road before you… you WILL be okay…. and I’m here for you…. just a bit up the road on the path. 🙂 D.
The viciousness of the cycle is overwhelming at times. I get to a spot where I think it’s enough, and then something happens (like hearing his sleepy voice on the phone) and it takes me back to all the great times and buckles my knees with sadness. I can’t stand that he gave our life away without giving me a say. I can’t stand that I’ve come so far and worked so hard and can be knocked back down with out warning. I can’t stand that I love someone who thinks it’s okay to treat another human being this way. The winding path gets so tiring…
Yes Meg, I know exactly what you mean. It is hard to make progress and then have something “trigger” a moment of intense emotion and setback but just try to focus on how far you have come since the first day… the road is winding but you will walk it and you will be happy again. I’m here for you. D.
Thank you…I’m just so tired…all the way to my bones and soul…
I’m so glad God brought me here to meet you. Thank you for your support and wonderful encouraging words every day!
Meg, I completely understand your comments about how it only takes a small and insignificant moment that involves “him” to rock the shaky foundation that is trying to be rebuilt without “him”. What makes it so difficult is that it comes without warning, it pushes past all the moments of letting go and being “okay” that you have fought to have, and settles deep within your heart and stomach like a gnawing blackness as if it has a right to be there. And then it doesn’t stop there….is seeps into your other thoughts and movements throughout your days…it can feel relentless. And then you can only hold on and wait…wait for it to lose its power and grip on your heart, not knowing when that will be. I pray for the day that his smell and words and memories no longer have that power over my heart.
Me too Tanya. Me too…
Meg… I’m glad God brought you here too… someone was just asking me today what inspired me to write these posts and I told them that when I was going through my divorce I couldn’t find anything like this to help me through…… My words are from my heart and my experience and I promise you it will get better… just hold on a little longer…. D.
I long for what we had when we met. And so much we enjoyed together.
We got along. Then.
We didn’t fight.
Until I had to stay the course last year to get us though the divorce financially.
But as you mentioned, when partners , or a partner throws the marriage under the bus , you have to accept it. I wasn’t reluctant to divorce but that doesn’t make it easier.
I don’t miss him, but I miss the great love we had.
At least to have experienced it was a gift.
Strange how these “love stories” can run off course.
One of my female mentors, reminds me constantly that I was missing the “fantasy” husband when I missed my ex… and it was true…. I had to keep my head firmly in reality and remember how often I felt not so good. D.
You hit “right on it”
And those less wonderful memories are there, and are beginning to remind me more… In the right ways … that moving on is the reality.
I was in turmoil for a long time not able to deal with the conflicting emotions of anger (how could he do this to me) and sadness 9missing what we had).
I do not feel either and in fact am somewhat indifferent to him.
The happy times are in a metaphorical box that I have not opened for a while
Elizabeth is absolutely right. Rarely do I feel any type of strong emotion of anger or sadness today in relation to my ex-husband… time diminished it and I am thankful for that! 🙂 D.
Great comment and advice …
I finally feel I’m heading that direction – releasing the conflicting thoughts and moving away from “replaying” memories.