In the past it was easy for me to let my self-esteem rest on someone else’s validation.
A quality I learned growing up in a gregarious and charismatic family, where each and everyone of us, fought to be the “most sought after child” by our parents who loved to pit us against each other believing sibling rivalry would only improve our chances of being successful.
We learned to excel at school, sports, music, wit, in hopes that we would be perceived as the best of the group and each time we waited for validation from our mother or father, and failed to receive it, somewhere inside, we began to feel “less than” no matter how bright and beautiful we appeared on the outside.
Today I still struggle with validation: wanting someone to like me and believing if they don’t there is something ultimately wrong with me.
When my husband left me for another woman my first thought was: I’m not thin enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not talented enough. If I had done things differently, if I had tried harder, if I had been more perfect… he wouldn’t have left and I would have continued to receive validation from him.
The truth though… is it had nothing to do with his validation at all: The validation I so long for needs to come from me.
I have to believe I have worth.
And if I don’t… no matter how many people tell me I’m bright and beautiful… I will never accept it… never receive enough praise… because inside I will still be rejecting myself.
“Dear God, help me to believe that I am worthy of love. Help me to be the best person I can be today and accept that I am loveable just as I am.”